Ranea's Rants

AND THE WINNER IS .....

2006-10-02T02:09:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I had no idea how much time and work went into running for homecoming Queen.

There were three shopping trips to the closest big town. Two hair appointments and a set of nails. Then shoes, jewelry, and hair accessories. After trying on at least one hundred different dresses Kate settled on three beautiful gowns.

Kate's Thursday night dress for the pep rally was a pink one that resembles Cinderella's ball gown. For the football game a slinky royal blue gown that was a little revealing. But Dad kept a close eye on her. And for the Saturday parade and the end of homecoming, Kate picked a black and silver gown.

Unfortunately Kate did not win the crown. But her attitude was outstanding and I was extremely proud of her. On Thursday evening at the pep rally the announcement was made. The junior class candidate won the crown. After the crowning Kate jumped off the stage and joined the band. Formal gown and all.

On the way to the bon fire I asked Kate if she was upset that she didn't win. With a huge smile, Kate said no I am just glad they liked me enough to nominate me. And I am having a lot of fun.

At the game Friday night the Queen and her court had their own section to sit in. Kate a self discribed band geek kept sneaking over to play in the band. The principle told Kate not to worry about the band and enjoy the game with the other candidates.

At halftime the Queen and her court were escorted by their Dads onto the field. The announcer gave a short bio about each girl. Then they were presented with a gift from the ex-student association.

On Saturday afternoon there is a parade. The homecoming Queen and court ride in a convertible. When their car came by I had to laugh. There was Kate, one leg hanging over the side. In a formal dress, barefooted, wearing shades, and waving like Queen Elizabeth.

Even though Kate didn't win the title and crown of homecoming Queen. She is still a winner to me. You'll get em' next year Kate!!

HOMECOMING QUEEN

2006-09-13T01:50:00.000-05:00

When you think of Homecoming, most of us envision huge mums, bonfires, and the Queen being crowned at halftime of the game. Here in Podunk it is a very big deal. Homecoming isn't just for the High School kids. It is a reunion for all ex-students.

For a week before Homecoming preparations are being made. Welcome Exes banners are strung up over main street, the streets are cleaned, and planters are placed on the corners with fake mums in them. And every store window is decorated with crate paper.

Every year on Homecoming Thursday there is a tailgate supper, the formal announcement of the Homecoming Queen candidates,a pep rally, and the night end with the bonfire. Friday there is another pep rally before school ends. And at halftime proud Fathers escort their daughters onto the field for the crowning. After the game there is an all ages dance.

Saturday afternoon, win or lose, there is a parade. Then another dance Saturday night. By Sunday afternoon things are calming down and exes are leaving for home.

Being an outsider I have never been into Podunks Homecoming rituals. I would go watch my kids in the parade. And occasionally Doug and I would go to one of the dances, but not the entire weekends events.

This year I'll be involved in all the festivities. My daughter Kate has been nominated for Homecoming Queen. Kate came home with the news yesterday. The football players nominate one girl from each class, then the entire high school votes.

Kate and I are thrilled about the possibility of her winning the crown. Doug says I am more excited than Kate is about it. Maybe I am, my high school was so big that unless you were a rich cheerleader you didn't have a chance at becoming Homecoming Queen.

I just want Kate to enjoy this experience. It will be something she will always remember. I'll remember it too. At least the cost of it.

I have to buy three gowns, one for each day. The Thursday pep rally, the Friday night game, and the Saturday parade. Then there are other expenses, shoes, jewelry, and hair. I have always made all my girls their mums, so I can save a little there.

Homecoming is the last weekend of this month. I will let you all know October 1st if Kate wins.

Wish Kate luck!!

TIME WARP

2006-09-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

Sorry for my absence since starting my new job. Most of my time after work is spent soaking my feet. Standing in one spot for hours on end is tough on the feet.

The good news is, with the plethora of rednecks and in-breeders in Podunk I'll have some funny shit to blog about.

For example, Podunk is stuck in a time warp. Just last month the grocery store got cash registers with scanners. Before that it was the old ring up everything by hand. And the cashiers had to memorize the weekly sales ad the best they could.

One other new addition to Podunk is an ATM machine. The local convenience store finally got one a few months ago. It is a wonder we don't have to climb a pole to use the phone.

Yesterday a elderly farmer, that either doesn't come to town very often or he is just getting senile finally noticed the register upgrade. The old man inspected the entire set up, from the counter, the card reader, to the scanner. Once he was done he scratched his head and said what's coming next?

Then I nearly gave the poor old guy a Stroke. When I totaled up his things I saw his shaking hands reaching for his checkbook. I knew it would take him a while to write a check. So I told him that the new register would print his check for him if he liked.

No! Hell no everyone's trying to get my money! Your not getting my checkbook. It took me and the other cashier ten minutes to calm the old farmer down and convince him we weren't after his money.

Once I finished sacking his groceries the fight was on again. The bag boy was at lunch so I grabbed up the sacks to carry them out to his car. The old man is I guess 70 or 75 years old, I didn't want him lugging those heavy sacks. He came unglued. No little girl is going to do a man's job for me. All the way to his truck I could see his lips moving, still fussing about the ordeal.

Maybe Podunk should stay in their time capsule. They may not be ready for registers that print checks, and machines that spit out money. Sometimes time warps can be a good thing. And small towns can be nice. Both of my kids classes have only 12-15 kids each.

And if my kids act up when I am not there, someone will call me to clue me in. Most times before the kids even get home. Podunk doesn't even have a traffic light. If one was installed just imagine the uproar like that would cause.

RETURNING TO WORK

2006-08-21T11:50:00.000-05:00

Here in small town Texas finding a job is hell. Especially in Podunk. If you aren't sleeping with someone, married to someone,or related to someone. The chances of getting a decent job in Podunk are slim and none considering I am an outsider.

After I quit waitressing for Becky I took a long deserved rest. I think seven years of work with no vacations warranted a little time off. But with bills piling up it was time to find a new job.

I put in applications all over town. And waited weeks for someone to call and say Ranea we would love have you work with us. Yeah, like that was going to happen.

But the local grocery store decided to take a chance on me. It's not my dream job, but it's a paycheck. I started working again last week.

I hurt all over. I am not use to being on my feet for 8 hours a day anymore. And learning their scanner and the produce codes is tricky. One wrong number and a $.05 banana is a $2.00 avocado.

I hate being the new clueless person. I have never been someone to ask for anyone's help. And now I am starting all over and having to ask a million questions. But that's not entirely my fault. My training consisted of having another cashier stand beside me for two hour.

My job isn't hard but there is a lot of lifting, and like I said my feet aren't conditioned for heavy use anymore. Every night I come home limping. I hope it gets better soon.

Maybe one of the other places I applied will call. I really don't want to end up like the boss. The man started working there as a kid carrying out groceries, and has never left.

NICE TRY BITCH - FOAD!

2006-08-17T00:00:00.000-05:00

This week the target of my hatred are fucking bitches that knowingly try to seduce married men.

I have one skanky cunt in particular in mind. Her name is Jill. And without a doubt she is the loosest woman I have ever met.

In Jill's wake are several ended marriages, and two coaches have quit before being fired due to their affairs with Jill. This ho-bag doesn't hide what she does, if fact she flaunts it.

All this is reason enough for Jill to Fuck Off And Die. But wait, there is more to the story.

Anytime I was out and about I somehow had the misfortune of bumping into Jill. And without fail that slut would always ask me " how is that husband of yours?" Being an outsider in Podunk I would bite my tongue, smile, and reply "he's fine." But even an outsider has her limits.

One Saturday after cleaning out closets all day I found myself without one ingredient for dinner. There wasn't time to freshen up the store would be closing soon. It figures, I look like hell and guess who I run into?

You guessed it, Jill the douchebag. She made a bee line straight for me. And as always, with a grin on her face asked, how is that husband of yours? I snapped, with my hands on my hips, and in a rather loud voice. I told her, my husband is satisfied!!

Jill's jaw dropped open and she gasped like I had sucker punched her in the gut. Needless to say, Jill no longer inquires about my husband's well being. Matter of fact, she avoids me altogether.

Jill and any other bitches that see all men as fair game can Fuck off And Die!!

I'M THE BEAUTY

2006-08-14T17:43:00.000-05:00

Once again I have been chosen by Siren to be the Beauty on Beauty vs. The Beast. Right now Fuzz is kicking my ass. Please Help!!!

MANLY ATTITUDE - FOAD!!

2006-08-10T00:27:00.000-05:00

Today my rage is for the macho fucktard at XYZ tires.

I needed new tires and I am perfectly capable of going out alone to purchase them. But apparently the knuckle draggers at XYZ tire thinks my tiny female brain can not comprehend the complexities of buying tires. After all I'm just a woman.

I walked into XYZ tire and told Bubba that I needed a set of tires. Bubba had the balls to ask me where my husband was, that we should wait for him. I took a deep breath, smiled, and asked how my husbands whereabouts effected this purchase?

Bubba seemed confused but unfased. Well little lady let's go see what size tires you need. Little Lady? What the hell!?! I gritted my teeth and said to this dumbass, Pumpkin they are 65R 15's, now let's talk price.

You could have knocked him over with a feather that I would know my own tire size. But Bubba's stupidity knows no bounds. He went to the computer, and after a couple of seconds of scanning the screen. Bubba said I can set you up for 480.00.

This is the point where I snapped. I thought up to this point I held it together pretty well. My eyes glazed over, I grabbed my breasts and with my voice raised considerably announced. Listen lug nuts just because I have tits doesn't mean I don't have a brain!!

Now stop dicking me around. You're not the only place to buy tires you know. Twenty minutes later I drove out of XYZ tire with four new tires costing 180.00. With free rotations and flats fixed for life.

I am sure Bubba convinced himself I was a Dike. But believe it or not Bubba not all women are clueless about cars. And not all men took auto shop.

So the cavemen at XYZ tire and others like them can Fuck Off And Die!

SHOPPING FOR SCHOOL

2006-08-07T18:13:00.000-05:00

I spent all of yesterday school shopping with my kids. We managed to make it home with only six or eight eye rolls. And two major threats that my teen daughter would just die without a certain pair of jeans.

My son is much easier to shop with. If it fits it's o.k. Oh as long as the shirt doesn't have long sleeves.

On our school shopping extravaganza we went to seventeen stores, and spend what seemed like a quarter of a million dollars. It's money I'll literally never see again. Some of these clothes won't ever make out of the closet. And some of the supplies won't be used or used for their intended purpose.

My daughter is a marathon shopper, until our focus turned from jeans to notebooks. Then it seemed someone had filled her shoes with cement. Funny, that's where I got my second wind.

Nothing says back to school like fresh, clean paper, and sharpened pencils. I can't wait to sound the trumpets the first day of school. It is almost as good as Christmas morning.

I've heard of Mother's that cry and find it hard to let go of their little one's the first day. It must be the valium kicking in. It is completely the opposite for me.

I wake up to the birds singing, and with a spring in my step. Impatiently I wait for the kids to get dressed and finish breakfast. I announce, "only twenty minutes till school starts, we better hurry".

I prod them into the car for the four block trip. I wouldn't want them to be late. Then the moment arrives that the kids have been dreading.

No not school, mom's happy dance. I stop in front of the school, get out and wave to the kids. Then I do my victory dance that I survived another summer.

The kids rush for the door in embarrassment. Hey it's one way to get them inside without having to drag them. Then I return home to enjoy a cup of coffee in peace.

I love school!!

SAVING THE WORLD ONE TWINKIE AT A TIME!!

2006-08-02T15:46:00.000-05:00

Fat Momma, Fat MommaI'm here to save the day.
Fat Momma, Fat MommaI'll take your food away.
So, don't eat those chips and ice cream now Cause I'll take them from you so you won't look like a cowFat Momma, Fat MommaDon't you try and take my donuts away.

My addiction to reality shows rears it's head again! Channel surfing the other night I found, "Who wants to be a Superhero?" on the Sci fi channel. And I could not resist.

Eleven Superhero wannabe's compete weekly to become their own comic book character. Stan Lee, God of comics and Dark Horse comics have combined to make some ordinary persons dream of superstardum come true.

Out of the Eleven competitors Big Mama for me stands head and shoulders above the rest. In a world where looking like your a skeleton with skin stretched over it is the ideal. Big Mama shows the world that she is closer to the actual size of normal women. Though I am not sure I would be as comfortable in spandex as Big Mama is.

I just love this show. All the Superhero's live in a swanky secret lair. And Stan Lee transmits their competitions to them on a flat screen t.v. After each challenge they meet on the roof of the lair to stand in judgment. Stan Lee then picks out three contestants that he feels performed the worst.

After Stan explains what they did wrong, the contestants have a chance to beg for mercy. The choice is Stan's alone. One Superhero each week is kicked out of the lair.

After just one episode I was hooked! And I was glad to read that I am not alone on this in the Blog world. I see that Fuzz over at Blugstuff is a fan too. But I guess we will be arch-enemies since he likes Major Victory, and I like Big Mama. Fuzz only time will tell who will be the next Superhero.

BAND OR PIZZA

2006-07-28T14:42:00.000-05:00

Last night the family went out for pizza. At the next table over were six band geeks and their leader, I mean teacher. I called him a leader because their conversation seemed to be on the border of being a cult. The leader then handed each geek a call list.

Each of them were instructed to call the people on their list and persuade them to join or stay in band. With cell phones at the ready. The phoning frenzy began.

I am pretty sure one kid scared off more people than he convinced to play in the band. This kid decided to call using an english accent. He got hung up on a lot.

The leader/teacher found his accent amusing. Another band member who looked more like the Ag. teachers wet dream had a much different approach. If the high school band gig doesn't pan out, this kid has a bright future as a used car salesman.

This kids sales pitch for the marching band should be stitched on a pillow! After asking others to join, he would say, contrary to popular belief band is the cool thing to do. I almost choked on a bread stick!

The last kid Slick called was still on the fence about band even after his best pitch. So then Slick pulled out the big gun. He told the kid on the line, tonight pray about it and call me back. I chuckled and said to my husband, what would Jesus do?

I wonder if that kid has made his decision yet?

ROCKSTAR

2006-07-26T00:25:00.000-05:00

I have been watching Rockstar Supernova. I know, I know, everyone thinks reality shows bite. But I confess, I love them.

Well, I love some reality shows. I watch Survivor and Big Brother religiously. And I'll admit to watching Top Chef this year.

Doug and I both love music. We go to lots of concerts and have tons of c.d.'s. We watched some of last seasons Rockstar Inxs not all, we were never big fans of Inxs. And besides, who wants to resurrect the dead and go on tour.

When we heard that the band Supernova consisted of Gilby Clark of L.A. Guns, Tommy Lee of Motley Crue and Jason Newsted of Metallica we were in. So far two contestants stand out. Both are rockin' women.

Storm and Dilana are in my opinion the best contenders for the job of lead singer. Neither of them have had an off week yet. All of the guys are hit and miss from week to week.

Storm can look tough but Dilana is down right scary! She's heavily tattooed and pierced. When Dilana sings, her menacing stare can burn straight through you.

I can imagine the scene if she is chosen to front the band. The guys are arguing over who will wake Dilana up. No one wants to do it.

Jason looks at Gilby and says it's your turn, go wake her up. Gilby replies you go knock on her coffin. See this?, it's not a hickey, that crazy vampire tried to bleed me dry. The two of them decided to send in Tommy. If he can survive Pam, he would be o.k.

I also watch to see the one's that suck so bad that you wonder how they got this far. For me that one is Sayra. This woman can't sing and has no clue about the members of Supernova's background.

Sayra doesn't disappoint, she sucks every week and is always in the bottom three. But she hasn't gotten the axe so far. I can't figure out why, her voice is like nails on a chalkboard.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that this week will be Sayra's last.

THUMBS UP!!

2006-07-20T04:20:00.000-05:00

This addition of Fuck Off And Die Thursday is aimed at my ex-employer. Becky, the cold, heartless, camel toe havin', hillbilly, can fuck off and die!!

While working as a waitress for Becky I put up with a lot of shit. Too much to list in one post. Matter of fact I could probably write a Blook on the subject.

But one incidence stands out for me. I was helping the cook open some large cans. When my thumb slipped and the jagged can edge cut half way through my thumb.

As calmly as I could, I wrapped up my thumb, and called Becky into the kitchen. Becky being a volunteer EMT. I thought she could at least bandage it, so I wouldn't bleed everywhere on the way to our little clinic.

I won't deny that I shed a few tears. But this fucking douche bag looked at me and told me to suck it up. Being the bitch I am I fired back with, buy some shoes hillbilly.

When the dried up cunt finished bandaging my wound, I headed to the restroom to clean up. Becky said one more thing to me. She had the big brass balls to tell me to put my big girl panties on and get over it. The lunch rush will start soon.

I knew she was a bitch but I thought she was kidding. I needed to go to the doctor. But when I returned she was gone. I had to wait tables with my thumb throbbing. And by the time Becky showed back up I was livid! I didn't even get an apology.

So a well deserved Fuck Off And Die goes out to Becky!

FOAD THURSDAY

2006-07-13T11:54:00.000-05:00

I saw this on Fuzz's site, and thought this was just too cool. I had to join the ranks of Fuck Off And Die Thursdays.

My first installment of FOAD Thursdays is aimed at all wrinkle cream companies. They can all Fuck Off & Die!!! Especially the the one's that use twelve year old actresses to sell their product on t.v.

Who are they kidding? None of these girls have hit puberty yet let alone been faced with a wrinkle! Not only can they Fuck Off & Die, they can kiss my ass too!!!

THE JOYS OF NIECES,NEPHEWS,AND GRANDCHILDREN

2006-07-06T22:30:00.000-05:00

For those of you that don't have kids. But have nieces and nephews maybe you can relate. I bet you are their favorite Uncle or Aunt. That is if you like kids.

Kids love the single Aunts and Uncles. They are the people who let them eat ice cream for breakfast. The one's that encourage mess making. And let you cuss. And they always give the best presents.

Mom's and Dad's hate it when little Timmy comes home from a weekend with fun Aunt Cindy. Timmy arrives in the same clothes he left in. Has four new ear splitting toys. And a two pack a day habit.

Why did we let Cindy watch him for the weekend? Cindy can't even raise mold in her fridge. And I can't even count the number of pet funerals I attended.

I had an Uncle like that. Uncle Shorty, I never knew his real name. But he was the greatest! Every morning it was IHop, and anything I wanted. He took me to carnivals, and the park, but the best was the bars.

Uncle Shorty played shuffle board for money quite often. And I was his good luck charm he said. Before we got home Uncle Shorty would make me promise not tell if we were at the bar. And we thought we had some convincing cover stories. But mom knew the truth. I think she just wanted some quiet at any cost.

And when your a grandparent you've got free rein to spoil. My parents did. They bought all the noisy toys, built forts in the living room. Grandparents never tell you that a cookie will ruin your dinner. And all of my parents, grandkids could play poker by age six.

I know it breaks your heart when Timmy says he likes Aunt Cindy better. Or you don't love me as much as grandma. But take comfort in knowing. One day Cindy will have kids. Then you'll get your revenge! And Timmy will also have kids. And it's your turn to spoil them rotten.

Take your nieces, nephews, or grandkids out for a triple fudge sundae, a 42 oz. soda. Let them make mud pies in their good clothes. Then take them home.

And when Cindy or Timmy sees their child filthy, and buzzing on sugar. Just smile and sweetly say, PAYBACKS ARE A BITCH!!

MEMORY LANE REVISITED

2006-07-04T09:29:00.000-05:00

I like telling tales of my younger days. Sometimes I look back on these times fondly. And other times I wonder what were we thinking? Now that the forth of July is almost here, I think about the holidays gone by.

At seventeen, seniors, and bulletproof. My friends and I pooled all our money together, separating it. Half for beer, half for fireworks. Now there are three things you don't like mentioned together, teenagers, alcohol, and explosives.

We stopped off at the beer store first. Mike had the fake I.D. so he bought the beer. Two cases of cheap nasty beer, and four bottles of Boones farm wine for the girls. Next stop, the city limits and the fireworks stand.

We browsed a while but the guys knew instantly what they wanted. The guys wanted Roman Candles, and lots of fire crackers! They weren't wanting to see a pretty Ariel display. No, they wanted a war.

Well after some beer, wine, and a lot of coaxing we chose up sides. To make it a fair fight the girls were equally divided. But we had other plans.

Being the young idiots that we were. We squared off like gunfighters, and came out shooting. Shooting Roman candles at each other a point blank range. We suffered only one casualty, Brent tripped and shot himself in the thigh.

When we ran out of roman candles, we broke out the firecrackers. By this time the girls had had all the fun they wanted. We felt like we had cheated death. Flaming balls flying at heavily sprayed hair, was living on the edge and making out alive to tell the tale.

However we did keep some ammo in case the guys tried to attack. Once they were pelted a couple of times, they retreated. This time the guys didn't come out without a mark. Mike in a slightly drunken state held a lit fire cracker a little too long.

When the fire cracker exploded in his hand the fun was over. Mike lost a little skin, and had powder burns. But at least he had his fingers. But up until then it was fun.

Mike did get a nifty nick-name out of the experience, after that he was known as Nub.
Have a safe and Happy Fourth of July!

HOUSE GUEST FROM HELL!!

2006-06-30T08:00:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed I haven't been around lately. And the reason is, I had the house guest from hell take over my time, my home, my life!

Just let me start by saying. I love my brother dearly. But spending more than 48 hours together was not a good idea.

It started with a phone call. Sis, it's Joe it's been along time huh? Well anyway, I am back working in the oilfield. Our drilling rig is being moved close to you. And I was wondering if I could crash at you house for a few days?

I didn't hesitate, I told Joe sure, love to see you. Then we finalized his arrival. Remember I live in a town of 1100 people. And the last time Joe came to see me, he drove around in circle for 45 minutes and could not find my house. We finally had to send him to the only store open at that hour. We told him to sit still we'd come get him.

This is where I enter Hell!
First of all, a few days turned into thirteen. And upon Joe's arrival he hands me a duffel bag full of his dirty laundry. And even points out two shirts and a pair of shorts that need buttons sewn on. I fought the urge to inform Joe that I wasn't his mother, or his wife. Since it had been two years since our last visit.

We sat down to catch up and instantly he begins whining about his ex-girlfriend. Apparently, while Joe was working out of town. Sheila ( we'll call her Sheila) left Joe, and moved in with a crack dealer. She was trading sex for her crack habit.

Joe went on and on about what a good person she is, how much he loves her, and how she is ruining her life. I listened to this for almost a hour, when I snapped. Number one, she's not a good person. Sheila left you while you were gone, and she still has your stuff. Number two, you were only together a few months, move on! And number three, until Sheila is ready for help, there's nothing anyone can do.

Even though they broke up several months ago. Joe still calls her 4 or 5 times a day. Either yelling, or crying. Joe can't decide. I heard about this for thirteen days, non- stop.

I tried to be semi comforting. But he went to far. One night, he started bashing women. Joe said every woman in his life had screwed him over. Excuse me, did I hear right?

Exactly how am I screwing you over? I am doing your laundry, cooking your meals, providing free room to you ( even though his company pays extra to cover motel rooms), listen to your belly aching. And to top it off. When he used up all his minutes on his phone calling Sheila, he borrowed mine.

The day for Joe to move on finally came. And I did my best to seem sad. But secretly I checked the house twice to ensure Joe didn't forget anything. And would have to come back for it.

Just before Joe left, he thanked us for everything. And said, next payday I'll send you a check for putting up with me.

I'll miss him soon I am sure. But right now no. I've got a lot of things to do. Like catching up on my blogging, and waiting for a check I know is never coming. Hell, I'd paid him to leave by the end of it.

It just proves what I've always said, "Family is best saved for holidays, weddings, and funerals." How can you miss them if they never go away! Love ya Joe.

OH SHIT SUMMER'S HERE!!

2006-06-16T02:51:00.000-05:00

School's been out for 22 days. And trust me it been the longest 22 days of my life!

My son J.D. wakes up at the crack of dawn. My daughter Kate has to be fire bombed out of bed or she would stay in bed till 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I wake up Kate, not because she's a joy to be with. And I don't miss seeing her eyes roll out of sight.

No I wake Kate up because I am not going to suffer alone. If I have to be up, everyone's going to be up too!!

From the minute J.D. wakes up till I shoot him with a tranquilizer dart at midnight. The only questions he has is, what's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? And is the pool open yet?

One in the afternoon is my saving grace. At 1:00 the pool opens, and by 1:05 we are in the car heading for the pool.

The kids are lucky if I stop the car completely. I leave them holding their towels and sunscreen in a cloud of dust. I need quiet time!

All day my son is making noise to resemble whatever toy he is playing with. And from Kate's room I hear nothing but bass from her stereo. And if Kate is home, the phone never stops ringing. So before we leave for the pool, I make her call all her buddies and alert them to her location. Don't call here!

I never could understand why mom seemed depressed during my summer vacation, I was tickled. Now I know why she had that look of pain on her face. And dished out many threats of beatings if my brother's and I didn't get out of the house.

Maybe I should do the same with my kids. When we were kid's, as soon as we finished our Count Chocula mom would announce her to do list for the day. You never seen kids hit a door so fast in your life! And if you came back inside before being called, you were put to work.

At least until mom got tired of seeing my friends at the door, looking pitiful. And asking can Ranea come outside yet? I think my kids would burst into flames if they had to spend more than 20 minutes outside ( excluding the pool.) Kate would die of thrust before she would drink from the water hose like we did.

Where did I go wrong? I think it's time to get back to my roots. Lookout kids, here comes momma!

OUCH!

2006-06-07T08:52:00.000-05:00

My daughter Kate came home from the pool yesterday with a wicked sunburn. I don't know why she thinks she will ever get a tan without the help of a bottle of sunless tanner. The girl is as white as Wonder bread!

Kate said she used the sunscreen I gave her, but the way she looks I seriously doubt it. I told her that she was cursed with my complexion. I don't tan.

I go out in the sun. I burst into flames! I tried to explain to Kate that this was her fate as well.

By the look of pain in her eyes. I think it finally soaked in. We tried every home remedy I could think of. Everything from Vinegar, tea, and baking soda.

After all the treatments, she laid on the couch looking like she was in full rigor. Not wanting anything to touch her skin.

My final words to her before she went to bed were, "don't cha wish you would have listened to me?" The only response I got was a grunt. Sometimes a Mom just has to rub in a little salt.

BE AFRAID

2006-06-06T08:59:00.000-05:00

Well the shit is suppose to hit the fan today. We will see!

RUNNING TO THE STORE

2006-06-04T21:21:00.000-05:00

I saw a story on a blog buddies site. Jim wrote a story about a woman in public, in curlers. This made me think of my Aunt Johnnie.

Once my parents and I were visiting my Aunt Johnnie one weekend. On Saturday morning Dad got up and made coffee. His banging around woke up both Aunt Johnnie and me.

Aunt Johnnie decided to go ahead and start breakfast. She was out of bacon. So she threw her coat on over her jammies, and with keys in hand shouted I'll be back!

I was just about to tell her, when my Dad stopped me and said wait. Let's see how long it takes her to notice. Notice what you ask? Not only did Aunt Johnnie have her hair in curlers. But covering the curlers were a pair of her silk panties! I found out later the panties were to keep in curlers from getting messed up, while she slept.

Anyway, Dad thought Aunt Johnnie would see herself in the rear view mirror and take off the panties. But no, she was in a hurry and never noticed, until....

Upon Aunt Johnnie's return from the store, seconds after she opened the door we heard a blood curdling scream. Aunt Johnnie finally caught a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror. Of course Dad was rolling on the floor laughing, and I was fighting to keep a straight face.

No one had said a word to her as she sped through the grocery store. In Aunt Johnnie's defense, she was usually a woman dressed to the nines for every occasion. But this one particular Saturday she slipped up.

I thought she would beat my Dad to death for first letting her leave like that. Then second for telling that story over and over again. Dad loved it, he'd always say " What to you expect from a little brother?"

BIKINI TIME

2006-06-03T09:43:00.000-05:00

This weekend I am taking Kate bikini shopping. "Let's get ready to rumble."
One of us may not make it back in one piece!

The past few years, Doug has taken her shopping. For fear that either Kate or I might go into Nuclear Meltdown over the purchase.

Let's face it, I am cheap! I can't see paying 50.00 for something she's only going to wear for a couple of months, and consists of a little gauze and some string. And Wally World sells them all day for 9.98.

Yes, today will be a trying day for us both!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2006-06-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

The only thing I share with Marilyn is a birthdate, June 1st. But I decided to put up a picture of her because she is such a classic beauty.

I am not excited about my birthday. It just means I am getting older. And I hate the thought of getting old.

It's like I woke up one morning, shuffled into the bathroom, and saw some old woman staring at me from the mirror. Fuck when did this happen? It is not fair!

Most days I still feel like a carefree 16 year old. But then I pass a mirror and there is that old bitch again. She should be paying rent.

It is starting to get a little scary. Not only am I starting to look like my mother. I am starting to sound like my mother. I catch myself saying things my mom said to me.

Things like laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and I'll give you something to cry about. Then I stop and look around for my mom. Wondering when she learned to throw her voice.

Another thing that proves I am getting old is the other day, in a store a snot nosed kid called me ma'am. What the hell I am not old enough to be a ma'am!

Don't get me wrong, I don't try to dress the part of a teen. Wearing shirts that show my belly or pants low enough to show pubes or anything like that. But I am not ready for polyester house dresses with knee highs and slippers either.

Whoever said grow old gracefully can kiss my ass!

DON'T GIVE ME STRENGTH

2006-05-31T11:21:00.000-05:00

I thought it was funny. Hope you think it's funny too.

MEMORIAL DAY THANKS

2006-05-29T01:00:00.000-05:00

This memorial Day I would like to send out a very warm and heart felt Thank You.
Many thanks to all the brave men and women of the U.S. Armed Forces.
And thanks to all of those that have fallen in the line of duty defending Our great Nation.
We mourn the losses and hope for a speedy return of our Soldiers fighting now.

CLASS OF 2006

2006-05-28T10:49:00.000-05:00

Friday night Doug and I attended my 18 year old daughters graduation. The air conditioning wasn't working in the auditorium so the place felt like a sauna. It was almost unbearable.

The choir sang for what seemed like forever. The superintendent rambled on and on. But I knew we were in real trouble when the Valedictorian went to the podium with a spiral. How much does an 18 year old have to reflect on?

The Salutatorian was up next. This kid wasn't too bad, he had only a couple of index cards. For some unknown reason the National Honor Society grads were announced individually twice.

Finally they got down to business and started handing out diplomas. Now normally I wouldn't sneak out in the middle of something like this. These kids have worked hard for this moment. But as soon as my kid walked across the stage and received her diploma. We were out of there.

Everyone one else had the same idea. Because the crowd of parents milling around outside waiting for their kids kept growing. I swear there were heat waves coming out of the doors.

But we finally got another through High School!!

LET IT GO!!

2006-05-19T21:04:00.001-05:00

No one in my house ever throws anything away. You never know when you might need that. Or, it'll be worth money someday.
I seriously doubt that a Dollar Store Spiderman that has been run over by the mower will bring much at auction.

My daughter has kept most of her shoes. Even one's she has outgrown. Kate has a shoe fetish. Her closet floor is covered, and she buys more shoes at every opportunity.

My son J.D. collects swords. Wooden ones, plastic, rubber it doesn't matter. He might have three identical swords but he is always looking to add to his collection.

Doug keeps clothes. Clothes that were gifts that he will never wear. When we met he had probably 15 shirts, tags still attached, hanging in his closet. He won't return them for something he likes. He won't give them away, or throw them out.

Doug said it would be rude to take back a gift. I said no, it is a waste of money to just let them rot in your closet. To this very day I don't buy him clothes. For that very reason.

I keep probably the dumbest stuff. I keep screws out of broken things, gift boxes and bags, and owners manuals to things that have long since bit the dust.

And I swear people are leaving me keys! I find more keys that don't fit anything than you can shake a stick at. Why can't they leave me money?

But unlike the rest of my family. I can let go of my treasures. Whenever I come across an old manual I throw it out. The other's act as if I were asking for a kidney when I beg them to get rid of some of their clutter.

So I have resorted to sneaking small amounts of their treasures out and tossing them in a dumpster across town. Heaven forbid one of them find their beloved junk in the trash. Someone could pull a muscle dumpster diving.

I wonder if there is a twelve step program for pack rats?

WAL-MART--- DISCOUNT STORE OR GROUP HOME?

2006-05-18T13:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had to make a trip to the big city and go to Wal- Mart. And I know I am not alone when I say, you can see some pretty "special" people in Wally World. People that seem inbred.

I had my son J.D. with me. And as usual, we had to stop in the toy department for a look. That's when I met Scooter. In overalls, and velcro tennis shoes. Scooter rushed up to us and in a loud voice asked me if I knew where the preparation H was.

O.K. first, personally I would roam around for hours before asking for Butt Bullets. But Scooter was loud and seemed desperate. I smiled, and pointed towards the Pharmacy. Scooter shuffled off in a hurry and J.D. and I went on shopping.

Thirty minutes later, on the opposite side of Wal-Mart in the frozen food section, Scooter found us again. This time he was waving a box of preparation H over his head yelling "I found it!" I said great, pulling J.D. behind me. It was clear Scooter wasn't all there.

This same sort of thing happens to me quite a bit in Wal-Mart. At first I wondered if I was just a magnet for these people, or were there just more special people in Wal-Mart for me to run into? I have figured it out I think.

Rednecks that can't afford to put there Uncle Dad in a group home, simply drop them off at Wal-Mart. Think about it, there's food, clothes, t.v.'s, and bathrooms. What else do they need? And since Wally World is open 24 hours, Uncle Dad won't get kicked out at closing time. And the family can visit, whenever they go to town.

At least that's my theory on the abundance of inbreeders at Wal-Mart.

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

2006-05-14T12:11:00.000-05:00

My Mother taught me many things in my life. I love my mom dearly. Here are a few things that mom taught me.

1) Mom taught me that, "She brought me in this world and she could take me out and make another one just like me."

2) She taught me that when she spanked me that, "It hurt her more than it hurt me." Yeah right! The jury is still out on that one.

3) Mom also taught me that her love for me is unconditional. No matter what I have done.

4) She taught me how to be my own person. To stand up for what I believe even if it's not the popular choice.

5) Mom taught me how to multi-task. Have a full time job, a house, and a family. And not neglect any of them.

6) Most importantly she taught me how to be a woman!

Mom I love you. You are the strongest woman I have ever met. And I am proud I know you, and have had the privilege to call you Mom.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE MOM'S OUT THERE!

NEW TOY

2006-05-08T21:03:00.000-05:00

No you pervs not that kind of toy. Doug got me a laptop as an early Mother's Day gift. Sometimes he can be really sweet. Which leaves me to wonder if he's up to something. You know like he's trying to make brownie points.

This laptop is cool. But instead of a mouse (that by the way, I just recently mastered) there's just a little pad. And there are so many buttons that I don't dare push any of them when my teenage daughter isn't home.

Anytime anything strange pops up on the screen. I yell, Kate come fix it! She rolls her eyes, pushes a few buttons, and mutters, it's real easy to fix Mother. I just smile and say thanks sweetie, while muttering the washer is real easy to operate too, but you still can't master that!

I like the freedom this thing offers me. I am not stuck in the bedroom for two hours trying to write a four paragraph bloc. Yes, I use the hunt and peck typing method. I have never needed to learn how to type before. So I am a source of amusement for my kids and my husband.

Thank You Honey for my new toy! I am guessing that you'll be expecting more than a "World's greatest Dad" t-shirt for Father's Day huh?

TWO FOR ONE POST

2006-05-04T07:14:00.000-05:00

Happy half naked Thursday everyone!

I have been sick all week. So I haven't been able to catch everyone up on the wedding. Everything went off without a glitch.

And I held true to my word. There are no pictures of me in my dress that were salvageable. So I took a picture this morning of the hooker heels that Trish made me wear.

And since it is Thursday, it's a two for one post.

SECOND TIME AROUND

2006-04-27T08:54:00.000-05:00

This Sunday my friend Trish is taking another trip down the isle. But Trish is taking take walk with the same man she divorced two years ago. What has possessed her to do this?

Call me crazy but, if it didn't work the first time. What makes her think it will work the second time? Trish is my friend and I want the best for her, even though I think it's a mistake. She has asked me to be in the wedding. Do you do this to someone you consider a friend?

I gave in and told her I would be in the wedding party. But I told Trish absolutely no dress or heels. Since she decided to remarry outdoors. We went shopping a couple of days ago. And as you can see this is what I got stuck with. And what's even worse is the rhinestone covered hooker heels she picked out for me to wear.

I bitched, moaned, and rolled my endlessly. But since it is her wedding, and Trish paid for the hideous thing. I'll suffer through the day if it makes her happy.

Trish and I are going out tomorrow night for her last night of freedom. What Trish doesn't know is that I've planned a little revenge for the horrific outfit I am being forced to wear. I bought Trish a cheesy veil and a flashing button that says " I'm about to tie the knot, so come on , buy me a shot!" And she'll wear it or else!

Now I have to come up with a way to dodge the camera. Or at least practice a fake smile that doesn't look fake. How do I get myself into these things?

STAIND REVIEW

2006-04-24T13:49:00.000-05:00

I said Friday that I would return today with a review of the Staind concert. I don't really know what I am doing so bear with me.

Saturday was going as usual, we were running late and arguing. By the time we got to the concert, parked, and hiked what seemed like two miles to the gate I was in a fine mood.

But I can always rely on the goons at the gate who frisk you lift my spirits.(Yeah right) We finally made it into the amphitheater, and made our way to the beer tent.

When we got to the front of the line, Doug made his request for two Bud's. The bimbo, clearly a reject from Hooter's asked to see his I.D. Are you kidding me? The man is 40. I looked at her and said Sweetie your going to give him a chubby. And do you really want some old geezer following you around all night? Doug was not impressed with me, oh well.

Anyway the first band Powder burn wasn't terrible. As far as opening bands go. But the second band, Hurt sounded like two cats f**king. They sucked and they knew it. When their set was over they just left the stage. No thanks for suffering through this, we'll see you later, nothing. They just walked off.

Drowning pool was up next. I wasn't expecting much. Since Dave's death it hasn't been the same nor will it ever be. But the new singer did a decent job. And some of their new songs sound promising. I thought they did a pretty good job.

At last it was time for Staind. They played for at least two hours non-stop. The only draw back was Aaron's lack of stage presence. Let's just say he's not much of a talker.
The other thing that bugged me was the guys starting mosh pits. Staind isn't what I'd call music to mosh to. With the exception of one song, their stuff is mostly about relationships.

But all in all we had a good time. Especially Doug, flirting with the beer tent bimbo. I bet she wishes that she had never carded him.

GONE TO SEE STAIND

2006-04-21T20:56:00.000-05:00

I went to the big city today. I went to buy tickets to tomorrow nights Staind concert. Two tickets to this event were a whopping 75.00.

What the fuck! I may be dating myself by asking this. But, am I the only one who can remember when concert tickets cost 7.00? And a t- shirt cost 10.00. We thought that was highway robbery.

Back in the day, 75.00 got you a hell of a lot!
2 tickets - 14.00
T-Shirt - 10.00
Gas - 5.00
Bag of herbal refreshment - 25.00
Munchies - 5.00
Case of beer - 13.00
Cigarettes - 1.25
Total - 73.25

Leaving you with 1.75 to spare. Now it's 35.00 and up per ticket. At least 30.00 for a t-shirt. Another 40.00 for a descent meal. Gas, forget about it! And thanks to "Big Brother" herbal refreshment is out of the question.

I guess it boils down to what your willing to pay. I am a fan of Staind. And there's nothing like a live show. Besides, Doug and I haven't gone out alone in at least six months. It'll be money well spent.

I'll fill Ya'll in on the concert Monday.
Everyone have a great weekend!!

ANYONE GOT A VALIUM!?!

2006-04-15T17:15:00.000-05:00

This cartoon doesn't have anything to do with my post. I just thought it captured my feelings on Easter right now.

My nerves are shot! My head still hurts! And I don't think the fruit punch stain will come out of my shirt!

ANYONE GOT A VALIUM??

Yesterday it was my turn to help with my son's class, Easter party. Twenty-two, ten year olds on a sugar high is not my idea of a fun afternoon. But it was my turn. So I put on my best fake smile, grabbed the cupcakes, and off I went.

There were two other Mom's and the Teacher there to try and corral the ankle biters. But kid's with pure sugar coursing through their veins are hard to peel off the ceiling. Even for the most seasoned pro.

The one's not running wild, screaming at the top of their lungs, were crying about stolen candy eggs. One kid threw up after spinning in circles until ill. Two kids spilled their punch on me. And poor little Tiffany got a lollipop stuck in her hair.

The entire free-for-all only lasted 45 minutes. But by the end I was ready for a tranquilizer strong enough to bring down an elephant! My son spent the rest of the day running laps around the yard. His chocolate levels were extremely high.

Doug came home from work unusually chipper and asked "What's for dinner?" I replied from under the damp cloth on my forehead, "frozen pizza or bologna sandwiches, you pick." He wasn't thrilled about his dinner options, but he could tell I was in no mood.

After dinner J.D.'s sugar high finally wore off and he crashed for the night. I threatened my teen daughter with life, limbs, and grounding for the phone. (A fate worse than death!) if she didn't turn down her stereo. And I tried to soak away the horrible day in the tub with little success.

Maybe next year I will spike their punch with NyQuil!! Happy Easter Everyone!

PODUNK POLITICS

2006-04-11T06:48:00.000-05:00

It is almost election time for the Podunk City Council. One of the candidates, Debbie came by my house campaigning. Debbie is perfect for public office here in my opinion.
Debbie was born and raised here. A must if you expect to get elected. She has plenty of free time. And to put it nicely, she's a little eccentric.

Don't get me wrong, Debbie is a great person. But let me paint you a picture here.

About four years ago, a man we'll call Joe, was sent to the nut ranch for sleeping in his front yard, in the nude. And talking to imaginary people, still nude, in the middle of the street. Two years later, Joe was released. And he headed back here.

The hospital deemed him health. But Joe seemed worse than before. My guess is that his insurance ran out, so they turned him loose.
At the time I was waitressing at a little cafe, and Debbie was a regular there. And Debbie is loud, rambunctious, and isn't afraid to speak her mind. While Joe was on "Vacation" at the ranch, he assumed the identity of Debbie brother.

So when Joe entered the cafe one morning. I knew Debbie wouldn't keep her mouth shut. Once everyone but the two of them had gone, Debbie struck up a conversation with Joe. The Cook and I were on edge to say the least. You don't poke crazy people with a stick. But Debbie does, here's a sample of their conversation ( and I am not lying! )

Debbie: You new around here?
Joe: I grew up here, but I've been working under cover for the government.
Debbie: Who's your family, maybe I know them?
Joe: My Dad is Don ____ ( Debbie's Dad has been dead for years.)
Debbie: Oh Yeah, I hear he's rich.
Joe: Yes, we own a ranch that reaches from El Paso, Tx. To Memphis, Tn. I own the bank here to, but that bastard Teddy ( the bank pres.) stole all my all my three dollar bills. ( no shit, he said that.)
Debbie: What are You gonna do?
Joe: As soon as I find Teddy, I am going to kill him with a top secret, experimental weapon that will vaporize him.
Debbie: Wow!!

There is more but I didn't catch it all. I was worried he might blow a fuse or something. That's when Debbie decided to leave. I blocked her, your not leaving us here with Joe now that you've stirred him up!
Joe disappeared a couple of weeks later. No one knows where he went. Maybe on a secret mission. But Debbie is still here. With her sites set on politics.
I have been asked to be part of the "Brain Trust". Perhaps I can offer a voice of reason. Or maybe I am just a show piece, to piss off the locals. I say, let's put Debbie in office.

IN THE NAME OF FRIENDSHIP

2006-04-03T08:51:00.000-05:00

Ladies, how many times has a friend asked,"Do these pant make my butt look big?" Is this dress a little too slutty? Or which shoes should I wear? It's just something we girls do.

But I would bet my last cent that none of you have had this question posed to you. Remember my friend Trish? I have written about her before. Anyway, she called me this weekend asking me to come over and help her get dressed, she was going out. No, that was not the request that floored me. I told Trish I'd be there in a minute.

When I arrived at Trish's she yelled from bedroom, I am in here,come on in. I walked in to find clothes and shoes strewn all over the bed. Trish was digging in her jewelry box for rings. But it wasn't earrings she was looking for. And she hadn't call me for clothing advise.

Trish needed assistance with changing her nipple rings!!! What is the proper way to ask a friend for help like that? Hey Ranea,can you put this hoop through my tit? I don't think so!

Trish is an ex-stripper so nudity isn't an issue with her. And I've changed clothes in front of friends. But never has anyone made this kind of request before. Is it just me? Or does this seem a little over the top?

I told her, love ya girl but there no way I was gonna do this. But being the Amazon she is, with the ability to hurt me. I relucantly agreed to help. Having no expertise in nipple rings , I wasn't much help and was unsuccessful.

I did learn a lesson though. Whenever Trish calls for help in the future, ask why!

This experience may have scarred me for life. I feel so dirty! I need a shower!

I HAVE BEEN TAGGED!!!

2006-03-30T10:42:00.000-06:00

Starbender has thrown me on the slab!! I am pretty new to the blog world. This is my first experience being tagged.

So here goes!

Accent: Texan

Booze of choice:Kamakazi

Chore I hate: Laundry

Favorite perfume:Obsession

Gold or Silver: Both

Hometown: Midland Texas ( for 18 yrs.) various places

now Podunk.

Insomnia: From time to time ( doesn't everyone)

Job title:At the present time I am a Domestic Goddess

Kids:Yes, 4 of them. Girl-22yrs.( the lump), Girl 18yrs.

(out of the house), Girl-14 (rearly seen), Boy-10

( my baby).

Living Arrangements:Strained by the lump!

Most admired trait: Sense of humor, and my blue

eyes.

Number of sex partners:Now, just my husband, in

total, 5.

Hospital stays:4 births

Phobia's: Drowning

Quote: You can't fix stupid - Ron White

Religion: I am currently unaffliated

Siblings:Three utterly useless older brothers

Veggie I refuse to eat:Brussel Sprouts

Worst habit:Speaking before I think

Yummy foods I make:Chicken Parmesan

Sign: Gemini

THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT

2006-03-28T12:14:00.001-06:00

Last night while watching a little television one of those public service announcements came on. It's 10 pm, do you know where your children are? It made me think of my Dad.

When I began going out on the weekends as a teenager, we had the curfew negotiations. Something that every teen dreads. That Friday night as I was leaving Dad said once again before I left, be home before midnight, that's when the freaks come out!

I have always had this picture in my head. Freaks of all shapes and sizes, standing at the door, hand on the knob, counting down to midnight. I imagine a force field dissipating at the stroke of twelve. And a stream of freaks heading out into the streets to start their evening.

One night I was late getting home by ten or fifteen minutes. Before I entered the house, I messed my hair, pulled one arm from my coat, then ran in pretending to be out of breath. I said to my parents I am sorry I'm late, I almost didn't make it. The freaks chased me all the way home!

Dad was not amused, but Mom thought it was funny. He said you think I am kidding, but they are out there. To this very day, if I am out after midnight I glance around looking for freaks. I also have a sticker on my car that says "We are the people your parents warned you about."

I wonder if the freak parents told their teens to be home by sunrise. Then cringe and say, that is when normal people come out.

MY HUSBANDS AFFLICTIONS

2006-03-26T22:24:00.000-06:00

My husband Doug has many afflictions. All of which conveniently waited until after we were married to make an appearance. I do not know how he managed to hide them from me. It took quite an effort on his part I am sure.

Doug's first disability is - Temporary Blindness ( usually in the kitchen.) The blindness strikes as soon as he opens a fridge or cabinet door. He can't find anything. After a few short moments he yells, "Where is ____ " you fill in the blank.
Along with the blindness, he gets spontaneous numbness in his arms. Enabling Doug from moving objects to see if the desired item is hiding behind something else.

Doug's second crippling affliction is - chronic Lyricosis If you are unfamiliar with this illness, I will explain. Chronic Lyricosis is, the inability to correctly sing song lyrics. People who suffer from this will embarrass their companions endlessly.

Doug's third gut wrenching disability is - Foul foot odor
It is truly foul! Imagine if you can, what the armpit of hell would smell like. And even then I don't think it comes close to describing this smell. God help all of us if a sock comes up missing. Left to ripen and ferment. As the smell grows, a green fog will form to alert you to it location. But be careful, I swear I have heard them growl at me.

How Doug got these diseases by my radar is still a mystery to me. I am sure given the opportunity he would say I am no joy to live with either. But this isn't his blog so there!!
Single people out there, watch your mate closely before saying "I do". Spy if you have too. The future of you relationship, and your sanity are at stake.

MARRIAGE 101

2006-03-23T09:16:00.000-06:00

There are classes, work shops, and countless counselors all promising the secret to a happy marriage. That is where couples go wrong, expecting a happy marriage. Oh sure, your happy for a while but face it, life happens!

You go into debt, have kids, and eventually fall into a rut. And sooner or later you have heard all of each other's stories. Then one day you find yourself planning an escape route. But if you want the secret to staying married, I have the answer. It is really quite simple.

Before Doug and I said our vows, I expressed my fear of divorcing again. This is my third trip down the isle, and Doug's first. He still refers to me as his first wife. After much reassurance and a lot of talking we struck a deal.

If at any time, either of us wanted out of the marriage, we were free to go. With one condition, if you leave, you have to take all the kids with you. Neither of us wants to be left alone with these Demon Spawns. Mainly because there is no one to watch your back. These kids are dangerous! They can smell fear, and will pounce at any sign of weakness.

And also after a number of years, you have the spite factor mixed into the equation. The spite factor being, why would I let you go off and be happy somewhere else. Oh, Hell No!! I am not suffering here alone. I will drag you down with me.

Doug and I joke alot (it's either laugh or cry.) Doug teases me saying, " If you ever left, there would be women lined up around the block waiting for a chance at me." Then I have to bring him back to reality and tell him, "It took you 30 years to find me, and I am the only one who'll put up with your shit."

So you see the secret is clear, threats and spite are the glue that will make your marriage a success! Misery loves company.
Please make checks payable to Ranea - Marriage Guru.

THANKS BIG D

2006-03-22T16:43:00.000-06:00

I want to Thank Big D for the totally awesome template he made for me. I gave him just a few ideas. And he came up with something completely beautiful that reached far beyond my expectations. And I would also like to say it was really fun doing Bvs.B with him. Thanks again Big D for this beautiful template.

Beauty vs. The Beast - Guest Post

2006-03-20T08:44:00.000-06:00

This week I am a guest poster on Beauty vs. The Beast. It's my first attempt at a guest post, and I need all the support I can get. I am going up against Big D . A truly witty blog buddy of mine. All of you please go over to Bvs.B and see what you think.

BIT OF THE IRISH

2006-03-17T12:24:00.000-06:00

Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!!

For those of you not of Irish decent, Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Today I thought I would share with you some of my favorite Irish Toasts and Proverbs. I am extremely proud of my Irish roots. My Grandmother saw to that! She always said, " You can never truly know who you are, until you know where you come from." That is something that has always stayed with me. So in memory of my Grandmother I pass these little pearls on to you.

Irish Toasts:

1) I drink to your health, when I'm with you. I drink to your health, when I'm alone. I drink to your health so often, I'm starting to worry about my own.

2) May your home always be to small to hold all your friends.

3) May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

4) May you soul be in heaven a full half hour, before the devil knows your dead.

And my favorite!

5) If your lucky enough to be Irish.... your lucky enough!

Irish Proverbs:

1) A friends eye is a good mirror.

2) Put silk on a goat and it's still a goat.

3) The back must slave to feed the belly.

4) Every dog is bold on his own doorstep.

5) The only cure for love is marriage.

Those are just a few. I could go on forever. You know how us Irish are, blessed with the gift of gab. But I would love to hear others. If you know any, please let me know them.

May the luck of the Irish be with you today, and all the days of the year!!

OUTSIDER'S UNITE!!

2006-03-14T08:04:00.000-06:00

For those of you that are puzzled by the title. Go to my January archives. I explained being an outsider in my second post.

I have one close friend here in Podunk. Her name is Trish, she's an outsider too. In fact she's originally from Canada. You can't get much more outside Podunk than that. To say the very least Trish is nuts.

Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly. She the type of friend you could call at 4:00 a.m. Tell her, meet me at a certain address, bring 500.00, and don't ask any questions, I need your help. She'd find a way to come up with the money, and get there. But she is crazy! She's an ex- stripper. And is well known for flashing her tattoo. Weather you want to see it or not. The tattoo is an eagle, one wing on her upper thigh, the other on her lower stomach. The eagle's head is, you guessed it. Right smack dab in the center of her coochie. There is something you don't see everyday!

We met through our husbands. Both born and raised here in Podunk. Trish and I just clicked as friends. She's insane, and I am a little of center myself. And both of us are outsiders. Every 5 or 6 months we sneak off for some harmless fun. Trish and Bob have a small house in town that Bob inherited. And they have a place out in the sticks.

We usually wind up at their house in town. Trish drinks beer like water, and I sip on diet cokes. Needless to say I'm not much of a drinker. But every once in a while Trish will talk me into a drink or two. And before you know it I am plowed.

Last night was one of those occasions. Today's Trish's birthday. So we toasted her birthday early, and often. Everything was fine. I was laid back on the couch, laughing and talking one minute. And the next, Trish was waking me up at 5:50 a.m. I panicked! Doug is gonna kill us both.

Trish, did you pass out too, I asked? No, I painted my kitchen cabinets. First of all, who paints cabinets at 1:00 a.m., and two, why didn't you wake me up? She said you looked so peaceful, I let you sleep. Then asked if I wanted another drink! Hell no, I am in enough trouble, I got to go.

I did my best to explain, and do some major sucking up before Doug left for work. Hopefully he'll let me off the hook when he gets home tonight. Maybe Doug will remember how rearly I do this and how few friends I have in Podunk. Us outsiders have to stick together, and blow off some steam every once in a while. But Honey I am really sorry about staying out all night.

Anyone know any sure fire hang over cures?

SCHOOL PROJECTS - FOR KIDS OR PARENTS??

2006-03-05T16:36:00.000-06:00

This week my son, who is in the fourth grade, brought home a note. The note stated that they had an at home history project to do, and it was due in four days. The note also said that Parent involvement was encouraged. Why didn't the note just say, "Parents we have homework for you to do."

It was a four part project. And in each scene at least one thing must be three dimensional. It's not fair!! I've already been through the 4th grade!! I suspect that these projects are payback for dodging the teacher when she's looking for help with class parties. Or prehaps revenge for putting up with our rotten kids all day, everyday.

The four scenes were: #1 a war scene from WWI ( that was easy enough, army guys will work) #2 An early 20th century car or airplane( a little trickier but, using toothpicks and parts from two balsa wood planes worked) #3 was a little tougher. You try building the Spindle Top oil well out of pipe cleaners. #4 An important invention from 1900-1930. I settled on the band-aid. Did You know that it was invented in 1920, by a cotton buyer for Johnson & Johnson? He was inspired by his wifes many mishaps in the kitchen. When he told his bosses of his idea, they promoted him to vice-president. So I guess I did learn something out of the project.

Doug did help surf the net for subject matter. He said he was the idea man but then after doing so he lit out saying that since I was the crafty one, the rest would be a snap for me. Thanks for the great ideas, but he would have to pick the hardest things to build and the blurriest pictures to go by. So it was left to me. Hell, the box set up instructions the old bitty gave took the better part of day one to figure out. Then days 2 & 3 were spent on the web doing research and making two trips to the store for supplies.

I finally finished it just under the wire. My son didn't seem too impressed with the final product. But he didn't bitch, he knew better. I worked hard on that thing. I drove him to school with constuction paper still stuck on my arm, and wished him luck. I better get at least a B on that thing or I am going to be super pissed!!

HEAD BANGING HURTS MORE THAN IT USE TO

2006-03-01T17:13:00.000-06:00

Monday night Doug, Our daughter, and I went to see my all time favorite band in concert. I've seen Disturbed 6 times now. And I am constantly checking to see if they are playing anywhere near by.

We have passed down our love of heavy metal to our daughter Katie.( this was her second Disturbed show) At 14 yrs. old, she's 5' 2' , and very slender. But she is a pitbull in a chihuahua's body. Katie can take care of herself if a mosh pit breaks out. Of course I stay right with her but I don't worry about her.

I on the other hand I came home with a couple of bruises and sore feet from people stepping on them. I'll never be too old for concerts, but maybe too old for the pit. I don't remember concerts being so rough in my teenage years. What happened to just pumping your extended hand in the universal sign for rock & roll, and banging your head during killer riffs?

Slam dancing and moshing gets alittle too violent sometimes. I guess these young guys think that pain will bring them closer to the music. Or maybe they are trying to show the girls how tough they are. Guys, here's a little advise - girls aren't impressed with sweaty guys standing in a circle shoving and punching each other.

All in all Disturbed didn't disappoint. They always rock hard, giving their all to the audience. And without fail, show gratitude to their fans. If you get a chance to see them live, go you won't be disappointed. You will be DISTURBED.

MEMORY LANE PART 2

2006-02-27T13:22:00.000-06:00

I promised I'd tell about another adventure from my High School days with my often drunk but always fun loving friends. So here goes!

My friend Stacy's parents were out of town for the weekend. Needless to say it was an endless party. Everyone slept where they where when they passed out. By early Sunday afternoon we had the B-B-Q pit going. But boredom reared it's ugly head once again. This time we had a moment of clarity and realized that we were in no condition to drive.

We were tossing around ideas, when Stacy's Dad's backhoe caught our eye. We can dig a hole, add some water and Voila! a mud wrestling pit. Kevin dug the hole, and turned on the hose while the rest of us put names in a bowl for each match. Then once everyone was suited up, we got ready to rumble.

It was great, especially for the guys. Watching 17 yr. old girls mud wrestle must be every guys wet dream. After all the rounds were over and the Champions crowned. We left Stacy to face the music alone. None of us were too worried. Stacy's an only child, and Daddy's little girl.

Their only complaints were why didn't we dig the hole in the backyard instead of the front. And we had all better get back there to clean up our mess. The guys filled the hole and us girls cleaned the floors were we tracked in mud.

That was a great summer. I wish I could go back and do it again. But I don't think I'd survive a summer like that one twice!

HIT THE ROAD

2006-02-23T13:27:00.000-06:00

I have one question for all the empty nesters out there. What the f**k are you bitching about? I have a daughter from a previous marriage. Doug and I have dubbed her " The lump on the couch," lump for short.

She has no job, no real skills, and expects a top paying job to come knocking on the door. That is if she gets off the couch and answers it. I love her, she is my child. But I don't think she is ever leaving.

I use to have a long list of things I wanted to do in my lifetime. Now that list consists of only one thing. Getting the kids out of the house before I die. And with my sanity intact. I never understood why some people upon retirement sold everything. House, cars, furniture, and everything lock stock and barrel. Then buy a R.V. and hit the open road. I assumed that retired people would want to take it easy. But now I get it!!

These people aren't really wanting to travel. They are hiding from their kids, and the possibility that they will move back in. I imagine some got out while the getting was good. And some were forced to flee moments before their adult children arrived. Now they are living on the lamb like criminals. I don't think Doug and I could stand living in such close quarters. After a couple of days of a vacation both of us are looking at each other and say things like don't you have some place to go? And where can you go on a r.v. to have space?

It won't keep the kids from moving home. But maybe it will keep them from digging in if I gut their rooms. Turning them into an exercise room, or walk-in closet. Hopefully they'll take the hint. Knowing my kids they'll start up a tent city on the lawn. Maybe I should invest in guard dogs.

THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

2006-02-18T12:41:00.000-06:00

In the grocery store recently, I sent my son ahead to pick out cereal. I knew itwould take him awhile. The choices have grown immensely since I was a child. He picked out three then finally narrowed it down to one. He wasn't happy with me because I had rushed him.

When we got home Doug asked our liitle one why he was angry. He just looked at me. So I relayed the story to Doug. Then we recalled our own cereal horror stories. Doug's dad always bought, Brick O' Wheat, more commonly known as Shredded wheat. This shit should be used to board up windows during a hurricane. And scattered on the floor to prevent water damage. It would have to be removed with a front end loader, but you'd have no water damage.

My mom opted for the no name generic stuff that I swear was pressed sawdust and glue. She called it Corn Chex. If you bitched too much you got the dreaded grape nuts! Oh the humanity!! They should have named this crap, Gravel in a box. If you didn't rinse out your bowl you might as well toss the bowl. This stuff is never coming out.

All parents say the same thing too, sprinkle some sugar on it. I am sorry they don't produce enough sugar to make these cereals palatable. I wanted the sugary cereal with the crappy little toy inside. But I've since noticed that they don't put toys in cereal anymore. What's up with that? For 4.50 a box you should get something!

So I say - load up kids, We're going to Krispy Kreme for donuts.

BE MY VALENTINE

2006-02-13T13:40:00.000-06:00

I usually try to be funny with my posts. More of the time I come sounding like a smart-ass. But since Valentines Day is upon us, I thought I would share something I feel was very romantic. It wasn't valentines but since the day is suppose to be about romance and letting your partner know how much you love and appreciate them. I felt like the story of Doug's marriage purposal was fitting.

This particular weekend we had made plans to do alittle shopping, go to dinner, then meet Doug's brother and girlfriend at a club later. After shopping we stopped by his brother Dave's house so I could change into my new clothes and confirm getting together later. I am notorious for taking forever to order at restaurants, and Doug wouldn't tell me where we were going to eat so I could get an idea of what I wanted. So I asked Dave to find out where we were going for me. Doug and Dave went outside briefly and when they got back Dave looked as though he had seen a ghost. He was pale, mouth wide open, and he seemed preoccupied. I asked him, so where are we going? And all he could utter in a strange voice was "I am not gonna tell you". I didn't know at the time but Doug had taken him to show him the ring and tell him the plan. And Dave was shocked and still trying to process the news. We went to a very nice, dimly lit restaurant for dinner. We were having an after dinner drink when Doug excused himself to the bathroom. When he returned instead of sliding into the booth beside me he knelt down on one knee. He spoke so sweetly of our time together, and his love for me. It seemed like forever before I heard him ask "will you marry me". To this day I can't recall everything he said to me. My heart was pounding too hard to hear. But I did hear the most important ones and quickly accepted.
I had no idea the booth in front of us had been watching the whole time. They had even turned around in the booth to watch. When Doug sat back down, they shouted, "well! what did you say." I stuck out my hand to show them the ring, and told them I said yes! They ordered us a bottle of Champagne, and soon a second bootle arrived from the manager congratulating us. I am not sure if it was the champagne or just sheer joy but I felt like I was floating when we left. When we got to the club I couldn't wait to show Dave and Jenna the ring. Dave said congrats but Jenna seemed alittle put off. It turns out that I got in three months what she had been waiting for, for five years! But nothing could put a damper on my night.
It's been almost eleven years now, and Doug still curls my toes. We been through alot together. And proved alot of people wrong. Even my own family didn't think it would last longer than a couple of years. But we are both stubborn as hell and that's probably why it's lasted this long. So Happy Valentine's Day Honey, I love You.

MEMORY LANE PART ONE

2006-02-09T15:11:00.000-06:00

This past weekend I was watching my teenage daughter and her friend. I felt like I was on safari. The Guide would say something like "observe the teenage girls in their natural habitat". This being the bathroom, on the phone, stereo on, and more hair appliances plugged in than my breaker box can handle. I kept quiet and still so as not to start a stampede. Accompanied by high pitched whines, and eyes rolling so far back into their heads that they may never be seen again. The two of them were singing and dancing to the music, and holding three different conversations at once( onr with each other , and both on seperate phones to others). I began to wonder was I ever this ditzy? And thinking back on some of the things we did in high school. It's amazing we survived. One of my favorite memories is one summer night me and my highly intelligent friends were bored. There's a bad sign right there. After a few beers and some brain storming we had an idea. And even made blueprints. The only thing missing was a delivery from Acme(Wylie Coyote reference). We split up to gather our equipment. And a hour later we were ready.
Girls checklist: bikini's, snorkles, and water guns.
Guys checklist: heavy black tarp(to line the truck bed), floaties, beer, boones farm wine, and a water hose.
Yes, you geussed it we were planning on a mobile pool. It worked too! We were having a ball cruising the drag, squirting people, and splashing around until...
The cops busted us. They confiscated our beverages, and emptied our pool. Spoil sports - we were escorted home, soaking wet and alittle tipsy. Our parents were so proud! I hope my daughter has more sense, but I doubt it. After all of us did our time in solitary confinement we were planning our next adventure. But I'll save that for another trip down memory lane.

I AM NOT DR. QUINN, GET OFF MY BACK!!

2006-02-04T14:33:00.000-06:00

Sorry it's been a few days since my last post, but I've had sick people under foot this week. I don't deal well with sick people. Their whining, sniffling, and coughing quite frankly works on my nerves! Whenever I am sick I load myself up with whatevers handy and go to bed and wait for meds to put me in a vegitative state until I feel better. Not my family, no they want things constantly and need my attention around the clock. I was not cut out to be a care giver. My bedside manor is non-existant. I guess it comes from my Mother. If I can deal with a cold and not bug anyone why can't you just suck it up, your not going to die! Besides my day is busy enough without these people snieveling about the temp. of their soup. Maybe I should take the advise of another blogger and just knock them out with NyQuil, or do like my dear old Mom and give generous doses of Robitussin. But who needs a visit from CPS. They've finally gotten better and back in school and the week wrapped up great. Yesterday I made the hour and a half journey to the big city to purchase tickets to an up coming Disturbed concert. I can't wait!! I even bribed my teen-ager back to health with a promise of a ticket if she'd just go back to school. Does that make me a bad parent, or just a bitchin' Mom? I don't care either way I've gotten her whiney ass off the couch, and I got my tickets. Dr. Quinn medicine bitch may have had another cure but mine did the trick and I was the first in line for tickets.

JUST BEING NEIGHBORLY - NOT !

2006-01-29T12:06:00.000-06:00

One day shortly after moving in our home Doug and I decided to trim two huge trees lining our curb. The trees hadn't been trimmed in ages and some of the branches hung low enough to touch the tops of passing cars. I love the 40 ft. + trees but they were out of hand. Here in Podunk eyes are always on you, they've gotta have something to talk about at the D.Q.
Anyway, finishing enough trimming for the first load to be hauled away I went inside for some water. Looking out I noticed Doug talking to our next door neighbor. I thought it was odd because Sid is a preacher and Doug's not religious in the least and pretty much detests Sid. After their little chat I stepped out to inquire about Sid's visit. Doug proceeds to tell me how Sid had TOLD, not asked told Doug not to cut too much off of 'his carport'. Doug's response was huh? Apparently Patty the previous owner kept the branches long to shade his truck that he parked in front of her house, since she only had one car. Doug tried to laugh it off thinking Sid must see that we have two cars and need that spot ourselves. But not me, I lost it!!
The man has a double carport, and a driveway, park in your fucking yard!!
Sid was still lingering in on his porch as I stomped back to the house yelling ' their not Patty's trees anymore and I'll cut the fucking things down if I want'. Sid continued to park in front of our house until on evening upon returning from work Doug slid in the gravel and bumped into Sid truck. Sid just happened to be out front talking to a friend. Doug got out slamming the door and muttering loudly "that's what you get you snake charming son of a bitch, park at your own house". Needless to say that finally broke him from parking there. I wonder if Sid the snake charmer prays for our salvation or for a plague to strike us down.

DRY IT UP OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!

2006-01-26T08:56:00.000-06:00

A couple of weeks ago Doug and I went out for lunch on a Sunday, while waiting for a table we witnessed a tantrum that made me think of my childhood. A 'yuppie' couple, two small kids, and the grandparents, were also waiting for a table. When the youngest child took his sister's sucker, the screaming began. The mom calmly knelt down and said 'Paxston please give Sierra back her sucker' ,and darling little Paxston throw himself on the floor. Mom still calm picked him up and said( and I'am not shitting You ) Paxston be a blessing and give it back. After clocking his sister, his mom, and the door with the sucker, mom finally took his hand and guided he to the suckers destination. If that had been me, and my brother our mom would have just given us a look, or a snap of her finger and we knew she meant business! There was no time outs, long talks, or trying to rationalize with a 3 yr. old. It didn't matter where we were, or who was around, if we acted up mom would give you a swat. My mom was then and still is very loving to all of us, but she wasn't going to tolerate bad behavior. And not once did I ever hear her say just wait until your father gets home, hell no mom could handle it herself. My brothers and I were convinced for years that mom was having a fling with Sherwin-Williams man, because she had an endless supply of paint stirrers but we never painted anything. Or she was always in reach of a fly swatter, and if all else failed she had her trusty house shoe. I remember them well, they came in two colors silver or gold, they had a hard plastic sole, and turned up a the toe looking like genie slippers. I don't recall a spanking I didn't deserve, I just never understood the comment she always made after the spanking. I'd still be snievling when she'd say 'dry it up or I'll give you something to cry about.' But you just did! Maybe little Paxston would have benefitted from a little attention getter, instead of a 10 minute ordeal we all had to suffer through. And being the loud mouthed smart ass that I am I couldn't resist saying as we were called to our table, my mother wouldn't have let us get away with that. I'm grown with my own family but if my mother snaps her fingers I know I had better straighten up or else! Just ask my brother, mom gave him his last swat after he had married and had two kids! Moma don't play.

I'm Sorry

2006-01-23T21:14:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry. I know that I have only just started this blog but I will have to take a little while off. A family emergency has come up that will require all my attention. Hopefully better days will come again soon and I can resume writing. Thanks for being patient.

TRYING TO REDECORATE MEN

2006-01-19T11:28:00.000-06:00

I am in the middle of home improvement hell! The latest project is the living room. I've worried alittle about my color choices for the walls, then while at the hardware store pouring over countless paint cards it struck me. It doesn't matter what color I get Doug ( as most men I know ) don't have any decorating taste. So manly or feminine won't come into play. I remember what Doug's place looked like before we met, and all my single guy friends apt. looked. Apparently all men decorate the same, either by choice, or it's ingrained into their DNA. All single men have nothing much on their walls except neon beer signs, cheerleader calandars, and streaks of some unidentified liquid that has run down the wall. Why put holes in perfectly good wall, right? Men also don't believe in curtains. Windows are covered by one of three things - foil, flags, or sheets (it's o.k. they never use sheets on a bed anyway. ) The furniture is scary, usually something found on a curb, or stolen from someones backyard patio set. It never matches and most likely held together with duct tape. But hey what doesn't go with a milk crate entertainment center, pizza box end tables, and a huge wooden spool for a coffee table!
After we married I had a yard sale and tried to sell my husband's couch. At the beginning of the day I had an asking price of 5. 00, mid-day it sported a sign saying "free" , at days end the sign read "will give gas money to haul it away". I guess the sofa scared others as much as me. It had stains I didn't want to know about, I could only imagine what may be nesting inside it, and there was noway that thing was coming back inside. Doug whined and protested pointing out its comfort and how long he'd had it but, I won and Doug hauled it off for me.
So with that flashback over, I picked out the wall color quickly. One wall deep red the others beige. Doug bitched about the one different wall, and how I didn't include him in the decision. I had to remind him that #1 he's color blind ( really), #2 how his place looked before , and #3 shut up! it could have been fucking pink with little bunnies. It's cute that Doug thinks that he still has some say around here. I like my men with a little fight lift in them. Well I am off to the hardware store, time for a new project.

HOME ON THE RANGE

2006-01-15T14:18:00.000-06:00

Every redneck story I've ever heard always starts out the same, "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit" well here goes. One day last week I looked out my window to see an Emu trotting down my street followed by two city trucks, I guess they were trying to round him up, or maybe he was leading them somewhere the city workers here are a cluster fuck looking for a place to happen. But anyway, being a city girl this site was surprising to me I mean how often do you go out for the morning paper and see a huge bird strolling down the street! Later that day I made inquireries at the town hub, the grocery store, conveniently located across the street from the funeral home. To my surprize the runaway Emu didn't even raise an eyebrow here, livestock making a break for freedom is a common occurance in Podunk. The animal was eventually returned to it's owner and the day went on without a hitch, but I bet if the damn Emu would have died during his daring escape it would have made front page of our six page weekly newspaper.

Background Info

2006-01-14T22:11:00.000-06:00

I'm new at this so bear with o.k.? You may have noticed I put my location as Podunk, Tx., well it's pretty damn close. I grew up a city kid and now find myself in the sticks in a town where the big news of the day is who's in the funeral home. For god's sake we don't even have a traffic light! This town is very clanish as well all outsiders unwelcome, outsiders meaning anyone not born and raised here. So you can imagine their disgust with me a definant outsider, tattoos proudly displayed, Disturbed or Godsmack blaring from the car stereo ( I espesically love to do that on Sunday's when church is letting out. ) Yes, you can say I don't fit in here but it's home now. Well I've gotta go climb the pole and sign off for now, I have rednecks to annoy!