Friday, June 30, 2006

HOUSE GUEST FROM HELL!!


You may have noticed I haven't been around lately. And the reason is, I had the house guest from hell take over my time, my home, my life!

Just let me start by saying. I love my brother dearly. But spending more than 48 hours together was not a good idea.

It started with a phone call. Sis, it's Joe it's been along time huh? Well anyway, I am back working in the oilfield. Our drilling rig is being moved close to you. And I was wondering if I could crash at you house for a few days?

I didn't hesitate, I told Joe sure, love to see you. Then we finalized his arrival. Remember I live in a town of 1100 people. And the last time Joe came to see me, he drove around in circle for 45 minutes and could not find my house. We finally had to send him to the only store open at that hour. We told him to sit still we'd come get him.

This is where I enter Hell!
First of all, a few days turned into thirteen. And upon Joe's arrival he hands me a duffel bag full of his dirty laundry. And even points out two shirts and a pair of shorts that need buttons sewn on. I fought the urge to inform Joe that I wasn't his mother, or his wife. Since it had been two years since our last visit.

We sat down to catch up and instantly he begins whining about his ex-girlfriend. Apparently, while Joe was working out of town. Sheila ( we'll call her Sheila) left Joe, and moved in with a crack dealer. She was trading sex for her crack habit.

Joe went on and on about what a good person she is, how much he loves her, and how she is ruining her life. I listened to this for almost a hour, when I snapped. Number one, she's not a good person. Sheila left you while you were gone, and she still has your stuff. Number two, you were only together a few months, move on! And number three, until Sheila is ready for help, there's nothing anyone can do.

Even though they broke up several months ago. Joe still calls her 4 or 5 times a day. Either yelling, or crying. Joe can't decide. I heard about this for thirteen days, non- stop.

I tried to be semi comforting. But he went to far. One night, he started bashing women. Joe said every woman in his life had screwed him over. Excuse me, did I hear right?

Exactly how am I screwing you over? I am doing your laundry, cooking your meals, providing free room to you ( even though his company pays extra to cover motel rooms), listen to your belly aching. And to top it off. When he used up all his minutes on his phone calling Sheila, he borrowed mine.

The day for Joe to move on finally came. And I did my best to seem sad. But secretly I checked the house twice to ensure Joe didn't forget anything. And would have to come back for it.

Just before Joe left, he thanked us for everything. And said, next payday I'll send you a check for putting up with me.

I'll miss him soon I am sure. But right now no. I've got a lot of things to do. Like catching up on my blogging, and waiting for a check I know is never coming. Hell, I'd paid him to leave by the end of it.

It just proves what I've always said, "Family is best saved for holidays, weddings, and funerals." How can you miss them if they never go away! Love ya Joe.

Friday, June 16, 2006

OH SHIT SUMMER'S HERE!!



School's been out for 22 days. And trust me it been the longest 22 days of my life!

My son J.D. wakes up at the crack of dawn. My daughter Kate has to be fire bombed out of bed or she would stay in bed till 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I wake up Kate, not because she's a joy to be with. And I don't miss seeing her eyes roll out of sight.

No I wake Kate up because I am not going to suffer alone. If I have to be up, everyone's going to be up too!!

From the minute J.D. wakes up till I shoot him with a tranquilizer dart at midnight. The only questions he has is, what's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? And is the pool open yet?

One in the afternoon is my saving grace. At 1:00 the pool opens, and by 1:05 we are in the car heading for the pool.

The kids are lucky if I stop the car completely. I leave them holding their towels and sunscreen in a cloud of dust. I need quiet time!

All day my son is making noise to resemble whatever toy he is playing with. And from Kate's room I hear nothing but bass from her stereo. And if Kate is home, the phone never stops ringing. So before we leave for the pool, I make her call all her buddies and alert them to her location. Don't call here!

I never could understand why mom seemed depressed during my summer vacation, I was tickled. Now I know why she had that look of pain on her face. And dished out many threats of beatings if my brother's and I didn't get out of the house.

Maybe I should do the same with my kids. When we were kid's, as soon as we finished our Count Chocula mom would announce her to do list for the day. You never seen kids hit a door so fast in your life! And if you came back inside before being called, you were put to work.

At least until mom got tired of seeing my friends at the door, looking pitiful. And asking can Ranea come outside yet? I think my kids would burst into flames if they had to spend more than 20 minutes outside ( excluding the pool.) Kate would die of thrust before she would drink from the water hose like we did.

Where did I go wrong? I think it's time to get back to my roots. Lookout kids, here comes momma!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

OUCH!


My daughter Kate came home from the pool yesterday with a wicked sunburn. I don't know why she thinks she will ever get a tan without the help of a bottle of sunless tanner. The girl is as white as Wonder bread!

Kate said she used the sunscreen I gave her, but the way she looks I seriously doubt it. I told her that she was cursed with my complexion. I don't tan.

I go out in the sun. I burst into flames! I tried to explain to Kate that this was her fate as well.

By the look of pain in her eyes. I think it finally soaked in. We tried every home remedy I could think of. Everything from Vinegar, tea, and baking soda.

After all the treatments, she laid on the couch looking like she was in full rigor. Not wanting anything to touch her skin.

My final words to her before she went to bed were, "don't cha wish you would have listened to me?" The only response I got was a grunt. Sometimes a Mom just has to rub in a little salt.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

BE AFRAID


Well the shit is suppose to hit the fan today. We will see!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

RUNNING TO THE STORE

I saw a story on a blog buddies site. Jim wrote a story about a woman in public, in curlers. This made me think of my Aunt Johnnie.

Once my parents and I were visiting my Aunt Johnnie one weekend. On Saturday morning Dad got up and made coffee. His banging around woke up both Aunt Johnnie and me.

Aunt Johnnie decided to go ahead and start breakfast. She was out of bacon. So she threw her coat on over her jammies, and with keys in hand shouted I'll be back!

I was just about to tell her, when my Dad stopped me and said wait. Let's see how long it takes her to notice. Notice what you ask? Not only did Aunt Johnnie have her hair in curlers. But covering the curlers were a pair of her silk panties! I found out later the panties were to keep in curlers from getting messed up, while she slept.

Anyway, Dad thought Aunt Johnnie would see herself in the rear view mirror and take off the panties. But no, she was in a hurry and never noticed, until....

Upon Aunt Johnnie's return from the store, seconds after she opened the door we heard a blood curdling scream. Aunt Johnnie finally caught a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror. Of course Dad was rolling on the floor laughing, and I was fighting to keep a straight face.

No one had said a word to her as she sped through the grocery store. In Aunt Johnnie's defense, she was usually a woman dressed to the nines for every occasion. But this one particular Saturday she slipped up.

I thought she would beat my Dad to death for first letting her leave like that. Then second for telling that story over and over again. Dad loved it, he'd always say " What to you expect from a little brother?"

Saturday, June 03, 2006

BIKINI TIME


This weekend I am taking Kate bikini shopping. "Let's get ready to rumble."
One of us may not make it back in one piece!

The past few years, Doug has taken her shopping. For fear that either Kate or I might go into Nuclear Meltdown over the purchase.

Let's face it, I am cheap! I can't see paying 50.00 for something she's only going to wear for a couple of months, and consists of a little gauze and some string. And Wally World sells them all day for 9.98.

Yes, today will be a trying day for us both!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

HAPPY BIRTHDAY



The only thing I share with Marilyn is a birthdate, June 1st. But I decided to put up a picture of her because she is such a classic beauty.

I am not excited about my birthday. It just means I am getting older. And I hate the thought of getting old.

It's like I woke up one morning, shuffled into the bathroom, and saw some old woman staring at me from the mirror. Fuck when did this happen? It is not fair!

Most days I still feel like a carefree 16 year old. But then I pass a mirror and there is that old bitch again. She should be paying rent.

It is starting to get a little scary. Not only am I starting to look like my mother. I am starting to sound like my mother. I catch myself saying things my mom said to me.

Things like laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and I'll give you something to cry about. Then I stop and look around for my mom. Wondering when she learned to throw her voice.

Another thing that proves I am getting old is the other day, in a store a snot nosed kid called me ma'am. What the hell I am not old enough to be a ma'am!

Don't get me wrong, I don't try to dress the part of a teen. Wearing shirts that show my belly or pants low enough to show pubes or anything like that. But I am not ready for polyester house dresses with knee highs and slippers either.

Whoever said grow old gracefully can kiss my ass!
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Location: Podunk, Texas

I am a wild Irish rose stuck in a cow pasture. Completely out of my element but trying to fit in as best I can.

Cairde

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