Thursday, April 27, 2006

SECOND TIME AROUND

This Sunday my friend Trish is taking another trip down the isle. But Trish is taking take walk with the same man she divorced two years ago. What has possessed her to do this?

Call me crazy but, if it didn't work the first time. What makes her think it will work the second time? Trish is my friend and I want the best for her, even though I think it's a mistake. She has asked me to be in the wedding. Do you do this to someone you consider a friend?

I gave in and told her I would be in the wedding party. But I told Trish absolutely no dress or heels. Since she decided to remarry outdoors. We went shopping a couple of days ago. And as you can see this is what I got stuck with. And what's even worse is the rhinestone covered hooker heels she picked out for me to wear.

I bitched, moaned, and rolled my endlessly. But since it is her wedding, and Trish paid for the hideous thing. I'll suffer through the day if it makes her happy.

Trish and I are going out tomorrow night for her last night of freedom. What Trish doesn't know is that I've planned a little revenge for the horrific outfit I am being forced to wear. I bought Trish a cheesy veil and a flashing button that says " I'm about to tie the knot, so come on , buy me a shot!" And she'll wear it or else!

Now I have to come up with a way to dodge the camera. Or at least practice a fake smile that doesn't look fake. How do I get myself into these things?

Monday, April 24, 2006

STAIND REVIEW

I said Friday that I would return today with a review of the Staind concert. I don't really know what I am doing so bear with me.

Saturday was going as usual, we were running late and arguing. By the time we got to the concert, parked, and hiked what seemed like two miles to the gate I was in a fine mood.

But I can always rely on the goons at the gate who frisk you lift my spirits.(Yeah right) We finally made it into the amphitheater, and made our way to the beer tent.

When we got to the front of the line, Doug made his request for two Bud's. The bimbo, clearly a reject from Hooter's asked to see his I.D. Are you kidding me? The man is 40. I looked at her and said Sweetie your going to give him a chubby. And do you really want some old geezer following you around all night? Doug was not impressed with me, oh well.

Anyway the first band Powder burn wasn't terrible. As far as opening bands go. But the second band, Hurt sounded like two cats f**king. They sucked and they knew it. When their set was over they just left the stage. No thanks for suffering through this, we'll see you later, nothing. They just walked off.

Drowning pool was up next. I wasn't expecting much. Since Dave's death it hasn't been the same nor will it ever be. But the new singer did a decent job. And some of their new songs sound promising. I thought they did a pretty good job.

At last it was time for Staind. They played for at least two hours non-stop. The only draw back was Aaron's lack of stage presence. Let's just say he's not much of a talker.
The other thing that bugged me was the guys starting mosh pits. Staind isn't what I'd call music to mosh to. With the exception of one song, their stuff is mostly about relationships.

But all in all we had a good time. Especially Doug, flirting with the beer tent bimbo. I bet she wishes that she had never carded him.

Friday, April 21, 2006

GONE TO SEE STAIND

I went to the big city today. I went to buy tickets to tomorrow nights Staind concert. Two tickets to this event were a whopping 75.00.

What the fuck! I may be dating myself by asking this. But, am I the only one who can remember when concert tickets cost 7.00? And a t- shirt cost 10.00. We thought that was highway robbery.


Back in the day, 75.00 got you a hell of a lot!
2 tickets - 14.00
T-Shirt - 10.00
Gas - 5.00
Bag of herbal refreshment - 25.00
Munchies - 5.00
Case of beer - 13.00
Cigarettes - 1.25
Total - 73.25

Leaving you with 1.75 to spare. Now it's 35.00 and up per ticket. At least 30.00 for a t-shirt. Another 40.00 for a descent meal. Gas, forget about it! And thanks to "Big Brother" herbal refreshment is out of the question.

I guess it boils down to what your willing to pay. I am a fan of Staind. And there's nothing like a live show. Besides, Doug and I haven't gone out alone in at least six months. It'll be money well spent.

I'll fill Ya'll in on the concert Monday.
Everyone have a great weekend!!

Saturday, April 15, 2006

ANYONE GOT A VALIUM!?!


This cartoon doesn't have anything to do with my post. I just thought it captured my feelings on Easter right now.

My nerves are shot! My head still hurts! And I don't think the fruit punch stain will come out of my shirt!

ANYONE GOT A VALIUM??

Yesterday it was my turn to help with my son's class, Easter party. Twenty-two, ten year olds on a sugar high is not my idea of a fun afternoon. But it was my turn. So I put on my best fake smile, grabbed the cupcakes, and off I went.


There were two other Mom's and the Teacher there to try and corral the ankle biters. But kid's with pure sugar coursing through their veins are hard to peel off the ceiling. Even for the most seasoned pro.

The one's not running wild, screaming at the top of their lungs, were crying about stolen candy eggs. One kid threw up after spinning in circles until ill. Two kids spilled their punch on me. And poor little Tiffany got a lollipop stuck in her hair.

The entire free-for-all only lasted 45 minutes. But by the end I was ready for a tranquilizer strong enough to bring down an elephant! My son spent the rest of the day running laps around the yard. His chocolate levels were extremely high.

Doug came home from work unusually chipper and asked "What's for dinner?" I replied from under the damp cloth on my forehead, "frozen pizza or bologna sandwiches, you pick." He wasn't thrilled about his dinner options, but he could tell I was in no mood.

After dinner J.D.'s sugar high finally wore off and he crashed for the night. I threatened my teen daughter with life, limbs, and grounding for the phone. (A fate worse than death!) if she didn't turn down her stereo. And I tried to soak away the horrible day in the tub with little success.

Maybe next year I will spike their punch with NyQuil!! Happy Easter Everyone!


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

PODUNK POLITICS


It is almost election time for the Podunk City Council. One of the candidates, Debbie came by my house campaigning. Debbie is perfect for public office here in my opinion.
Debbie was born and raised here. A must if you expect to get elected. She has plenty of free time. And to put it nicely, she's a little eccentric.

Don't get me wrong, Debbie is a great person. But let me paint you a picture here.

About four years ago, a man we'll call Joe, was sent to the nut ranch for sleeping in his front yard, in the nude. And talking to imaginary people, still nude, in the middle of the street. Two years later, Joe was released. And he headed back here.

The hospital deemed him health. But Joe seemed worse than before. My guess is that his insurance ran out, so they turned him loose.
At the time I was waitressing at a little cafe, and Debbie was a regular there. And Debbie is loud, rambunctious, and isn't afraid to speak her mind. While Joe was on "Vacation" at the ranch, he assumed the identity of Debbie brother.

So when Joe entered the cafe one morning. I knew Debbie wouldn't keep her mouth shut. Once everyone but the two of them had gone, Debbie struck up a conversation with Joe. The Cook and I were on edge to say the least. You don't poke crazy people with a stick. But Debbie does, here's a sample of their conversation ( and I am not lying! )

Debbie: You new around here?
Joe: I grew up here, but I've been working under cover for the government.
Debbie: Who's your family, maybe I know them?
Joe: My Dad is Don ____ ( Debbie's Dad has been dead for years.)
Debbie: Oh Yeah, I hear he's rich.
Joe: Yes, we own a ranch that reaches from El Paso, Tx. To Memphis, Tn. I own the bank here to, but that bastard Teddy ( the bank pres.) stole all my all my three dollar bills. ( no shit, he said that.)
Debbie: What are You gonna do?
Joe: As soon as I find Teddy, I am going to kill him with a top secret, experimental weapon that will vaporize him.
Debbie: Wow!!

There is more but I didn't catch it all. I was worried he might blow a fuse or something. That's when Debbie decided to leave. I blocked her, your not leaving us here with Joe now that you've stirred him up!
Joe disappeared a couple of weeks later. No one knows where he went. Maybe on a secret mission. But Debbie is still here. With her sites set on politics.
I have been asked to be part of the "Brain Trust". Perhaps I can offer a voice of reason. Or maybe I am just a show piece, to piss off the locals. I say, let's put Debbie in office.

Monday, April 03, 2006

IN THE NAME OF FRIENDSHIP

Ladies, how many times has a friend asked,"Do these pant make my butt look big?" Is this dress a little too slutty? Or which shoes should I wear? It's just something we girls do.

But I would bet my last cent that none of you have had this question posed to you. Remember my friend Trish? I have written about her before. Anyway, she called me this weekend asking me to come over and help her get dressed, she was going out. No, that was not the request that floored me. I told Trish I'd be there in a minute.

When I arrived at Trish's she yelled from bedroom, I am in here,come on in. I walked in to find clothes and shoes strewn all over the bed. Trish was digging in her jewelry box for rings. But it wasn't earrings she was looking for. And she hadn't call me for clothing advise.


Trish needed assistance with changing her nipple rings!!! What is the proper way to ask a friend for help like that? Hey Ranea,can you put this hoop through my tit? I don't think so!

Trish is an ex-stripper so nudity isn't an issue with her. And I've changed clothes in front of friends. But never has anyone made this kind of request before. Is it just me? Or does this seem a little over the top?

I told her, love ya girl but there no way I was gonna do this. But being the Amazon she is, with the ability to hurt me. I relucantly agreed to help. Having no expertise in nipple rings , I wasn't much help and was unsuccessful.

I did learn a lesson though. Whenever Trish calls for help in the future, ask why!

This experience may have scarred me for life. I feel so dirty! I need a shower!

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Location: Podunk, Texas

I am a wild Irish rose stuck in a cow pasture. Completely out of my element but trying to fit in as best I can.

Cairde

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