Thursday, March 30, 2006

I HAVE BEEN TAGGED!!!



Starbender has thrown me on the slab!! I am pretty new to the blog world. This is my first experience being tagged.

So here goes!

Accent: Texan

Booze of choice:Kamakazi

Chore I hate: Laundry

Favorite perfume:Obsession

Gold or Silver: Both

Hometown: Midland Texas ( for 18 yrs.) various places

now Podunk.

Insomnia: From time to time ( doesn't everyone)

Job title:At the present time I am a Domestic Goddess

Kids:Yes, 4 of them. Girl-22yrs.( the lump), Girl 18yrs.

(out of the house), Girl-14 (rearly seen), Boy-10

( my baby).

Living Arrangements:Strained by the lump!

Most admired trait: Sense of humor, and my blue

eyes.

Number of sex partners:Now, just my husband, in

total, 5.

Hospital stays:4 births

Phobia's: Drowning

Quote: You can't fix stupid - Ron White

Religion: I am currently unaffliated

Siblings:Three utterly useless older brothers

Veggie I refuse to eat:Brussel Sprouts

Worst habit:Speaking before I think

Yummy foods I make:Chicken Parmesan

Sign: Gemini

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT

Last night while watching a little television one of those public service announcements came on. It's 10 pm, do you know where your children are? It made me think of my Dad.

When I began going out on the weekends as a teenager, we had the curfew negotiations. Something that every teen dreads. That Friday night as I was leaving Dad said once again before I left, be home before midnight, that's when the freaks come out!

I have always had this picture in my head. Freaks of all shapes and sizes, standing at the door, hand on the knob, counting down to midnight. I imagine a force field dissipating at the stroke of twelve. And a stream of freaks heading out into the streets to start their evening.

One night I was late getting home by ten or fifteen minutes. Before I entered the house, I messed my hair, pulled one arm from my coat, then ran in pretending to be out of breath. I said to my parents I am sorry I'm late, I almost didn't make it. The freaks chased me all the way home!

Dad was not amused, but Mom thought it was funny. He said you think I am kidding, but they are out there. To this very day, if I am out after midnight I glance around looking for freaks. I also have a sticker on my car that says "We are the people your parents warned you about."

I wonder if the freak parents told their teens to be home by sunrise. Then cringe and say, that is when normal people come out.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

MY HUSBANDS AFFLICTIONS

My husband Doug has many afflictions. All of which conveniently waited until after we were married to make an appearance. I do not know how he managed to hide them from me. It took quite an effort on his part I am sure.

Doug's first disability is - Temporary Blindness ( usually in the kitchen.) The blindness strikes as soon as he opens a fridge or cabinet door. He can't find anything. After a few short moments he yells, "Where is ____ " you fill in the blank.
Along with the blindness, he gets spontaneous numbness in his arms. Enabling Doug from moving objects to see if the desired item is hiding behind something else.

Doug's second crippling affliction is - chronic Lyricosis If you are unfamiliar with this illness, I will explain. Chronic Lyricosis is, the inability to correctly sing song lyrics. People who suffer from this will embarrass their companions endlessly.

Doug's third gut wrenching disability is - Foul foot odor
It is truly foul! Imagine if you can, what the armpit of hell would smell like. And even then I don't think it comes close to describing this smell. God help all of us if a sock comes up missing. Left to ripen and ferment. As the smell grows, a green fog will form to alert you to it location. But be careful, I swear I have heard them growl at me.

How Doug got these diseases by my radar is still a mystery to me. I am sure given the opportunity he would say I am no joy to live with either. But this isn't his blog so there!!
Single people out there, watch your mate closely before saying "I do". Spy if you have too. The future of you relationship, and your sanity are at stake.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

MARRIAGE 101


There are classes, work shops, and countless counselors all promising the secret to a happy marriage. That is where couples go wrong, expecting a happy marriage. Oh sure, your happy for a while but face it, life happens!

You go into debt, have kids, and eventually fall into a rut. And sooner or later you have heard all of each other's stories. Then one day you find yourself planning an escape route. But if you want the secret to staying married, I have the answer. It is really quite simple.

Before Doug and I said our vows, I expressed my fear of divorcing again. This is my third trip down the isle, and Doug's first. He still refers to me as his first wife. After much reassurance and a lot of talking we struck a deal.

If at any time, either of us wanted out of the marriage, we were free to go. With one condition, if you leave, you have to take all the kids with you. Neither of us wants to be left alone with these Demon Spawns. Mainly because there is no one to watch your back. These kids are dangerous! They can smell fear, and will pounce at any sign of weakness.

And also after a number of years, you have the spite factor mixed into the equation. The spite factor being, why would I let you go off and be happy somewhere else. Oh, Hell No!! I am not suffering here alone. I will drag you down with me.

Doug and I joke alot (it's either laugh or cry.) Doug teases me saying, " If you ever left, there would be women lined up around the block waiting for a chance at me." Then I have to bring him back to reality and tell him, "It took you 30 years to find me, and I am the only one who'll put up with your shit."

So you see the secret is clear, threats and spite are the glue that will make your marriage a success! Misery loves company.
Please make checks payable to Ranea - Marriage Guru.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

THANKS BIG D

I want to Thank Big D for the totally awesome template he made for me. I gave him just a few ideas. And he came up with something completely beautiful that reached far beyond my expectations. And I would also like to say it was really fun doing Bvs.B with him. Thanks again Big D for this beautiful template.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Beauty vs. The Beast - Guest Post



This week I am a guest poster on Beauty vs. The Beast. It's my first attempt at a guest post, and I need all the support I can get. I am going up against Big D . A truly witty blog buddy of mine. All of you please go over to Bvs.B and see what you think.

Friday, March 17, 2006

BIT OF THE IRISH



Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!!

For those of you not of Irish decent, Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Today I thought I would share with you some of my favorite Irish Toasts and Proverbs. I am extremely proud of my Irish roots. My Grandmother saw to that! She always said, " You can never truly know who you are, until you know where you come from." That is something that has always stayed with me. So in memory of my Grandmother I pass these little pearls on to you.

Irish Toasts:

1) I drink to your health, when I'm with you. I drink to your health, when I'm alone. I drink to your health so often, I'm starting to worry about my own.

2) May your home always be to small to hold all your friends.

3) May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

4) May you soul be in heaven a full half hour, before the devil knows your dead.

And my favorite!

5) If your lucky enough to be Irish.... your lucky enough!

Irish Proverbs:

1) A friends eye is a good mirror.

2) Put silk on a goat and it's still a goat.

3) The back must slave to feed the belly.

4) Every dog is bold on his own doorstep.

5) The only cure for love is marriage.

Those are just a few. I could go on forever. You know how us Irish are, blessed with the gift of gab. But I would love to hear others. If you know any, please let me know them.

May the luck of the Irish be with you today, and all the days of the year!!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

OUTSIDER'S UNITE!!


For those of you that are puzzled by the title. Go to my January archives. I explained being an outsider in my second post.

I have one close friend here in Podunk. Her name is Trish, she's an outsider too. In fact she's originally from Canada. You can't get much more outside Podunk than that. To say the very least Trish is nuts.

Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly. She the type of friend you could call at 4:00 a.m. Tell her, meet me at a certain address, bring 500.00, and don't ask any questions, I need your help. She'd find a way to come up with the money, and get there. But she is crazy! She's an ex- stripper. And is well known for flashing her tattoo. Weather you want to see it or not. The tattoo is an eagle, one wing on her upper thigh, the other on her lower stomach. The eagle's head is, you guessed it. Right smack dab in the center of her coochie. There is something you don't see everyday!

We met through our husbands. Both born and raised here in Podunk. Trish and I just clicked as friends. She's insane, and I am a little of center myself. And both of us are outsiders. Every 5 or 6 months we sneak off for some harmless fun. Trish and Bob have a small house in town that Bob inherited. And they have a place out in the sticks.

We usually wind up at their house in town. Trish drinks beer like water, and I sip on diet cokes. Needless to say I'm not much of a drinker. But every once in a while Trish will talk me into a drink or two. And before you know it I am plowed.

Last night was one of those occasions. Today's Trish's birthday. So we toasted her birthday early, and often. Everything was fine. I was laid back on the couch, laughing and talking one minute. And the next, Trish was waking me up at 5:50 a.m. I panicked! Doug is gonna kill us both.

Trish, did you pass out too, I asked? No, I painted my kitchen cabinets. First of all, who paints cabinets at 1:00 a.m., and two, why didn't you wake me up? She said you looked so peaceful, I let you sleep. Then asked if I wanted another drink! Hell no, I am in enough trouble, I got to go.

I did my best to explain, and do some major sucking up before Doug left for work. Hopefully he'll let me off the hook when he gets home tonight. Maybe Doug will remember how rearly I do this and how few friends I have in Podunk. Us outsiders have to stick together, and blow off some steam every once in a while. But Honey I am really sorry about staying out all night.

Anyone know any sure fire hang over cures?

Sunday, March 05, 2006

SCHOOL PROJECTS - FOR KIDS OR PARENTS??


This week my son, who is in the fourth grade, brought home a note. The note stated that they had an at home history project to do, and it was due in four days. The note also said that Parent involvement was encouraged. Why didn't the note just say, "Parents we have homework for you to do."

It was a four part project. And in each scene at least one thing must be three dimensional. It's not fair!! I've already been through the 4th grade!! I suspect that these projects are payback for dodging the teacher when she's looking for help with class parties. Or prehaps revenge for putting up with our rotten kids all day, everyday.

The four scenes were: #1 a war scene from WWI ( that was easy enough, army guys will work) #2 An early 20th century car or airplane( a little trickier but, using toothpicks and parts from two balsa wood planes worked) #3 was a little tougher. You try building the Spindle Top oil well out of pipe cleaners. #4 An important invention from 1900-1930. I settled on the band-aid. Did You know that it was invented in 1920, by a cotton buyer for Johnson & Johnson? He was inspired by his wifes many mishaps in the kitchen. When he told his bosses of his idea, they promoted him to vice-president. So I guess I did learn something out of the project.

Doug did help surf the net for subject matter. He said he was the idea man but then after doing so he lit out saying that since I was the crafty one, the rest would be a snap for me. Thanks for the great ideas, but he would have to pick the hardest things to build and the blurriest pictures to go by. So it was left to me. Hell, the box set up instructions the old bitty gave took the better part of day one to figure out. Then days 2 & 3 were spent on the web doing research and making two trips to the store for supplies.

I finally finished it just under the wire. My son didn't seem too impressed with the final product. But he didn't bitch, he knew better. I worked hard on that thing. I drove him to school with constuction paper still stuck on my arm, and wished him luck. I better get at least a B on that thing or I am going to be super pissed!!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

HEAD BANGING HURTS MORE THAN IT USE TO


Monday night Doug, Our daughter, and I went to see my all time favorite band in concert. I've seen Disturbed 6 times now. And I am constantly checking to see if they are playing anywhere near by.

We have passed down our love of heavy metal to our daughter Katie.( this was her second Disturbed show) At 14 yrs. old, she's 5' 2' , and very slender. But she is a pitbull in a chihuahua's body. Katie can take care of herself if a mosh pit breaks out. Of course I stay right with her but I don't worry about her.

I on the other hand I came home with a couple of bruises and sore feet from people stepping on them. I'll never be too old for concerts, but maybe too old for the pit. I don't remember concerts being so rough in my teenage years. What happened to just pumping your extended hand in the universal sign for rock & roll, and banging your head during killer riffs?

Slam dancing and moshing gets alittle too violent sometimes. I guess these young guys think that pain will bring them closer to the music. Or maybe they are trying to show the girls how tough they are. Guys, here's a little advise - girls aren't impressed with sweaty guys standing in a circle shoving and punching each other.

All in all Disturbed didn't disappoint. They always rock hard, giving their all to the audience. And without fail, show gratitude to their fans. If you get a chance to see them live, go you won't be disappointed. You will be DISTURBED.
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Location: Podunk, Texas

I am a wild Irish rose stuck in a cow pasture. Completely out of my element but trying to fit in as best I can.

Cairde

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